3 yrs ago I had a bad suicidal problem (still do, but that's another story) and went to a local long term psych hospital. I do a lot of googling and reading and was sure the suicidal ideation had a lot to do with my psychiatrists diagnosis of PTSD. I tried to get treatment for the PTSD, which this location had, but it was government funded and only for vets. One tech, however, broke the rules and introduced me to a PTSD therapist who I started seeing after I was released.
First, let me rant a bit about suicide and psych wards. All I've ever seen, and all I've ever read is that if you are suicidal and go to a psych ward, they will lock you up and watch you until you cry uncle and say you're not suicidal anymore. This is the wrong way to help suicidal people. Psychology researchers don't even know what to do for suicidal people; it's really a new area of research. So, if you are suicidal, do go to the psych ward until you're past the urge. Look for things that make your life worthwhile. Ask a social worker to set you up with some community support if you're low on the supportive type people stuff. Get set up with new meds, a new psychiatrist and a new therapist and vow to give it time to get working. Once you live, you can always die (don't), but once you die, you can't live again.
The first thing I did after being diagnosed was to look up the usual causes, the usual symptoms and usual treatments for PTSD.
Well, it's not just a vet thing. PTSD has been around as long as people have. The symptomology actually leads to some behaviors that were valuable for hunter/gatherers and early farming communities. They are not so valuable for an industrial/technology setting.
The next thing was to get on the right meds. Then I kept my therapy appointments and discovered (TADA!) the concept of PTSD growth. This means PTSD can lead to good changed in your life if you are open to working the process and keeping up the hope level.
Now, I've learned that PTSD can be avoided if certain meds are given within a short length of time after the traumatic event. PTSD may go the way of AIDS: untreatable for a while (like Viet Nam vets with PTSD), then treatable with increasing effect with meds (current) and then vaccines (soon).
Now that you're diagnosed, try what I did: search for information, get a good psychiatrist and therapist, follow your med routine, give it time and remember about Post Traumatic Growth.
I'll talk about symptomology and coping mechanisms in other posts.
Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
It's a New Day
I really needed a kick in the butt and I got it. Even though my (soon to be ex) husband is on sick leave, if the government shuts down, I lose over half my income. OUCH!
So I got off my butt, past my fear, coped with my anxiety and desire to withdraw and went job hunting for the first time in 25 years. Today I start as a delivery driver for a pizza store. Not high
profile or glamorous, but my first paying job in 25 years. They even liked that I had been a full time mom (what else do we do but drive the kids all over, lots of experience). Just over minimum wage, and the money is mine! No longer fully dependent on my husband. It feels fantastic.
Money. Control over my life. People who appreciate me. Maybe I'll never be suicidal again.
Then again, maybe not. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
So I got off my butt, past my fear, coped with my anxiety and desire to withdraw and went job hunting for the first time in 25 years. Today I start as a delivery driver for a pizza store. Not high
profile or glamorous, but my first paying job in 25 years. They even liked that I had been a full time mom (what else do we do but drive the kids all over, lots of experience). Just over minimum wage, and the money is mine! No longer fully dependent on my husband. It feels fantastic.
Money. Control over my life. People who appreciate me. Maybe I'll never be suicidal again.
Then again, maybe not. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
The Sky is Gray and Dark and Cloudy
Paul Simon sang a song called "Cloudy" (I like it). It starts:
"Cloudy,
the sky is gray and dark and cloudy,
sometimes I feel it's hangin' down on me;
I'm a ragamuffin child,
with a pointed, painted smile...."
I can't remember the rest right now, but I feel it was written for people like you and me. Especially this weekend.
Weekends are bad for me. These are the days my kids see their dad. They come to me all hyped up on how wonderful he is and then complain to me about how little I do for them. It's the classic divorced mom with kids: I'm boundaries and budge; he's fun and money.
This leaves me feeling that I want to avoid weekends, I'm sensitive to everything they say about him that's good, I numb myself by sleeping and when I do think all I remember is the pain.
This weekend I almost died. I was thinking up plans to suicide and debating going in hospital. I tried talking to my son about my suicidal thoughts. He lives withh me, is 20 yrs old, no full time job and his girlfriend (who lives with us) is pregnant. He told me I had nothing to hurt about; everything was in the past and it was all going to work out OK. He has no clue.
I slept all weekend. They offered to take me to the park with them, but I was deep in avoidance. When they came back from church and lunch, though, they were all down on the people at church (who judged them for not being married, claimed they wouldn't raise their child in the church because they didn't come every week and gave them dirty looks) and how feeble and brain damaged (from a successfully removed brain tumor) dad was. Finally, I didn't feel like the grinch who stole their lives.
I'd come up with a plan, though. If I hadn't held out til then, I'd be dead now. But I'm alive and found a new trigger. Weekends. Every f***ing weekend. So now I need a plan for this trigger. Thankfully, I have an appt with my therapist on Tuesday. She may put me in the hospital, though, since I now have a workable plan. The trouble with the hospital is no psych ward deals with suicide except by locking you up until you cry uncle. Maybe I can get a book to take to work on; just in case she sends me.
More trigger work. The sky is gray and dark and cloudy. My smile is pained on and pointed (reminds me of the joker). It feels like this all the time. I found a job I can do at home, copywriting, but I don't feel I write well enough to apply. Insidious self doubt; sometimes it feels it's raining down on me. It's a miserable way to live. It's brighter on the other side, though; I know through experience.
I hope your days are sunnier. Write me if you want to talk. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B
"Cloudy,
the sky is gray and dark and cloudy,
sometimes I feel it's hangin' down on me;
I'm a ragamuffin child,
with a pointed, painted smile...."
I can't remember the rest right now, but I feel it was written for people like you and me. Especially this weekend.
Weekends are bad for me. These are the days my kids see their dad. They come to me all hyped up on how wonderful he is and then complain to me about how little I do for them. It's the classic divorced mom with kids: I'm boundaries and budge; he's fun and money.
This leaves me feeling that I want to avoid weekends, I'm sensitive to everything they say about him that's good, I numb myself by sleeping and when I do think all I remember is the pain.
This weekend I almost died. I was thinking up plans to suicide and debating going in hospital. I tried talking to my son about my suicidal thoughts. He lives withh me, is 20 yrs old, no full time job and his girlfriend (who lives with us) is pregnant. He told me I had nothing to hurt about; everything was in the past and it was all going to work out OK. He has no clue.
I slept all weekend. They offered to take me to the park with them, but I was deep in avoidance. When they came back from church and lunch, though, they were all down on the people at church (who judged them for not being married, claimed they wouldn't raise their child in the church because they didn't come every week and gave them dirty looks) and how feeble and brain damaged (from a successfully removed brain tumor) dad was. Finally, I didn't feel like the grinch who stole their lives.
I'd come up with a plan, though. If I hadn't held out til then, I'd be dead now. But I'm alive and found a new trigger. Weekends. Every f***ing weekend. So now I need a plan for this trigger. Thankfully, I have an appt with my therapist on Tuesday. She may put me in the hospital, though, since I now have a workable plan. The trouble with the hospital is no psych ward deals with suicide except by locking you up until you cry uncle. Maybe I can get a book to take to work on; just in case she sends me.
More trigger work. The sky is gray and dark and cloudy. My smile is pained on and pointed (reminds me of the joker). It feels like this all the time. I found a job I can do at home, copywriting, but I don't feel I write well enough to apply. Insidious self doubt; sometimes it feels it's raining down on me. It's a miserable way to live. It's brighter on the other side, though; I know through experience.
I hope your days are sunnier. Write me if you want to talk. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B
NAMI says Obesity linked to Anxiety; I think they didn't look hard enough
I just read a post at Conquer Worry about a NAMI (National Assoc. for Mental Illness) study that links worry and anxiety as a cause of obesity. I think they didn't look deep enough. My theory is that the worry and anxiety come from undiagnosed PTSD and if these women (and men) get treated only for worry and/or anxiety, they will not be getting the treatment they need.
I was in OA (Overeaters Anonymous) for 2+ years and it did nothing for me. My take is that it focuses on the food. They say they focus on the feelings but all the talk is weight loss. May be a good goal, but not the first. Unless you deal with the feelings, the deep feelings, the weight will stay or come back.
I think the deep feelings are PTSD feelings and they take a different form of therapy to fix. The four main effects of PTSD are hyper-vigilance; intrusion; avoidance (fear/worry) and numbing. If you focus on only the fear/worry, the rest is left untreated and leaves permanent scars on the psyche and behavior.
This is one reason for my blog. I want people to know there is more under their anxiety/depression than they think and to get full treatment. I want medical/mental health people to see past the anxiety/depression/obesity/ OCD etc. and find and treat the PTSD.
Have you looked for the PTSD behind your coping behaviors?
Conquer more than worry; conquer it all. If you're still here and alive, you're strong enough. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
I was in OA (Overeaters Anonymous) for 2+ years and it did nothing for me. My take is that it focuses on the food. They say they focus on the feelings but all the talk is weight loss. May be a good goal, but not the first. Unless you deal with the feelings, the deep feelings, the weight will stay or come back.
I think the deep feelings are PTSD feelings and they take a different form of therapy to fix. The four main effects of PTSD are hyper-vigilance; intrusion; avoidance (fear/worry) and numbing. If you focus on only the fear/worry, the rest is left untreated and leaves permanent scars on the psyche and behavior.
This is one reason for my blog. I want people to know there is more under their anxiety/depression than they think and to get full treatment. I want medical/mental health people to see past the anxiety/depression/obesity/ OCD etc. and find and treat the PTSD.
Have you looked for the PTSD behind your coping behaviors?
Conquer more than worry; conquer it all. If you're still here and alive, you're strong enough. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
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