Currently working as a delivery driver, parttime nights, for a sushi restaurant. Went through a suicidal period when I was trying to fix the divorce decree to get me half of the thrift saving plan. Didn't work. Will have to sue lawyer for malpractice. It says how on the website under divorce.
Moved my TV/WiFI to my son and his girlfriend and now have no wifi at home. So every couple of days I go to a local 24 hr diner with free wifi and catch up.
Don't know why I'm not suicidal right now. It just kind of went away after hearing this song called "I Remember You". Still have serious down moments. Especially when I'm tired.
Recently I had a neurotic/dissociative event. I was continuously ruminating on how I expected to get yelled at when I got to work. Didn't happen that day. Happened some today. Well, maybe I was just worried about real stuff. But I am not being treated well by management and am not sure if my view is accurate or neurotic.
Cut my hair. It's way too short on the sides now, like a half inch long. Maybe 2-3 inches on top. Still have the back. Trying not to cut anymore and let it grow. Part of me wants to shave it, but I'm not ready for the explanations or ramifications.
Haven't really had time to ride my trike. Oh yes, I got the trike in Jan and a 2006 Oddesey to carry it in. Still working on getting the house fixed and cleaned and sold.
Don't have any insights today. Oh yes, how to deal with suicidal plans. First is the realization that suicide happens when pain is greater than the ability to cope. None of this nonsense about depression, dysfunction, whatever. Just that simple. Now, how to survive when your brain wants you to die: increase your coping mechanisms, either in the number of or the quality of or the quantity of. Right now I'm into quantity. Lot's of coloring, lots of sleep. Petting and playing with the dogs.
So that's it tonight. Time to pack it up and go home to my puppy babies. Cuddle down in my warm, comfy bed. More life tomorrow to cope with. House repairs, house cleaning, travel planning. At least now I have my insurance. Instead of paying $1250 for my Rx, I paid $178. I love insurance.
Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
