FEAR, PANIC AND MISERY ON ME

Oct 1, 2013: possible government shut down. My (soon to be ex) husband is a government employee. If the government shuts down, he doesn't get paid. If he doesn't get paid, I don't get paid. There goes the electricity, water, food, cable, phones, everything. I may have to sell my car and use the bus or borrow my kid's car. 

Massive panic attacks; catastrophic thinking, crying, fear, wanting to withdraw. My son and his girlfriend don't think it'll happen. I think they're optimists.

Well, there's always selling my car. Not that I'll get another one soon, but what can you do?

Keep holding on. Lori B

Four in a row

Today marks four in a row. Four times this week I have reached out to new experiences to help me cope with isolation, withdrawl and avoidance. I went to a Sierra Group meeting (actually my third one) and enjoyed it immensely. One Tuesday a month they have a speaker at a public room in the local Witte Museum. I'll go to another Sierra Group meeting in about half an hour to watch a movie and maybe go out after. I have also practiced my guitar twice! It may have been only 5 min each, but I'm out of practice, my fingers get sore and I have trouble reading the chords and words on the computer.

So, the money's tight; my phone is going off for 2 wks because I cant pay it; it's that or food and I choose the food. This would be a huge trigger usually: hopelessness, worry about anger from my kids because I pay their phone bills; anger toward John and my lawyer for such a sucky settlement. Usually, I would withdraw, consider suicide, sleep for a day, refuse to eat. But I'm not. I'm going out! Congratulations to me!

What are your triggers? What do you usually do to cope (healthy or unhealthy, I don't judge you)?

I hope you are well. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Triggers and Dealing With Them

Went to my therapist today. I am doing well today due to starting a twitter account (Long Term PTSD) and getting 3 followers already! However if you read my earlier post (The Ragged Edge) I was suicidal on Saturday and refusing to eat.

My therapist helped me realize my trigger wasn't just not getting paid on time but that my (soon to be ex) husband's birthday was Saturday and my son was due to see him and give him a present. Anything about John is a massive trigger and this was 3 in one. I really reacted strongly.

I don't have the birthday trigger for another year, although the anniversary trigger is in 6 months. However, my therapist and I worked on some "I'm not getting paid on time and I'm broke and life isn't worth living" triggers and prepped some answers. Prepping is good. I'm going to have to see how much it helps next payday.

Have you used prepping for a trigger? How did it work for you?

So, hopefully no more serious suicide fears. Using social support and learning (guitar) and fun (crochet; went and bought more yarn; gonna make a rug) as well. Today has been a good day.

Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Tweet

I have a twitter account now at Long Term PTSD. I haven't tweeted yet, but I will. 

Keep holding on. Lori B.

Unsuicide

Again facing the suicidal ideation beast. Did my usual; googled about it. Unsuicide is a twitter account and maybe available if you just google it. I feel guilty about posting about my suicidal tendencies. I don't want to start anyone down that path; but I can't be honest if I leave it out.

Please remember that, if you read about my suicidal thoughts, it is not saying suicide is OK. I'm just saying that it is one of the symptoms I am having to deal with and I'm sure I'm not alone. There will be a follow up on how I dealt with it, got through it, and lived. It is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. It is a temporary thought that can be lived through with some effort.

Suicide seems like the answer when the pain is too much to bear. Usually we are stronger than we think. Make the effort to reach out. Even talking to a stranger on the phone at a hotline really WILL help. I've felt like it was stupid to reach out to a stranger for 5 minutes - like how is that supposed to help? What difference can it make? It does work. Please don't follow me down that suicidal ideation path. You deserve better.

Keep holding on. I'm making it through. Love, Lori B.

A little closer to the edge

I was supposed to receive my spousal support today. I have not received it. It is usually sent the 13th, two days ago; but he can send it as late as the 15th. I think he's waiting until midnight just to grind my gears. He's such an a**hole.

It just brings up ALL my PTSD crap: a male in charge of something important in my life messing with me for no reason but the fact that they can and there is nothing I can do to protect myself.

I haven't eaten today. I'm not going to. I had coffee, and that's all. I am PO's at the universe for having this all happen to me. I think that 57 years is enough. I'm through. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. 

UPDATE: Finally got paid at 9pm. Too late to do anything. Gave in and ate around 8pm. Made it, or didn't make it, for about 10 hours. Talked to my son. He is so helpful. Told me this was a new beginning and not to focus on the past. I feel guilty for hurting so much that I just want it to stop; but that's the way my life is. Started a twitter account called Long Term PTSD. Now I have to figure out what to do with it. Maybe the first step to that non-profit. Very little out there on long term PTSD. There won't be much more if I can't hold on.

But here's to you. Keep holding on. I know it's hard; but it's possible. Love, Lori B.