I know this joke about a guy in a flood. As the water rises, he climbs higher and higher in his house. Finally, he is sitting on the roof.
A neighbor comes by in a rowboat and says, "Hop in, I'll take you to a safe place." The man answers, "No, thanks. I believe in God and I know He will save me." The neighbor shrugs and rows on.
Later, a sheriff's motor boat comes by. They say, "Hop in, we'll take you to a safe place." The man answers, "No, thanks. I have faith that God will save me.
Even later, with the water rising higher, a helicopter comes by. "Get in the harness and we'll winch you up and take you to a safe place." "No, thank you. I have a deep faith and I know God will save me." The helicopter moves on.
Finally, the water rises so high, the man drowns. Unhappy, but in Heaven, he goes to God and says, "Why did you let me down? Why did you let me drown?"
God answers, "I sent two boats and a helicopter."
I have taken a long hiatus from God. I've been very angry at Him and turning my back on Him. Then today happened.
I now have a recumbent tricycle. It's so fun. I love it. I took it out again today and ran it around the park trails near my home. I blew a tire. I didn't blame God, those trails are fun, but they are littered with little tire puncturing projectiles. What happened next was what I believe was a message from God.
I was pushing the trike back to the van; it was going to be about half a mile. If I felt I could walk, I wouldn't have bought the trike. And I had to bend over to push the trike, it really hurt. Then a man came along and offered to push the trike for me. I said, "No thanks. It's my trike and I should push it. (Oh, that little martyr me). So he walked on.
A little while later another biker came along and offered to try to fix my tube. I agreed this time. He couldn't though because the cut was too large and his air pump wasn't compatible with my tire. He did offer to push my trike for me and let me push his regular bike. I did for a little while, but felt guilty about keeping him from his ride. He had figured out to turn the trike backwards and pull it, so I had us trade so he could ride his bike and I'd (oh, my back) pull mine.
Not much later, I came across a woman and her two sons. One son offered to carry my trike. This time I got the hint (kick me a couple of times and suddenly my brain turns on). I said OK. He carried it in front of him for a little while, then slung that trike right over his back. We walked like that til we got back to the parking lot. I got my van, the lady loaded the trike and I thanked them and left.
Sound a bit like the joke? I thought so. Thank god, I learned before I died of heat stroke.
So now I think maybe God's not so distant as I thought. Maybe my life just needed changing and the pain is because such life surgery hurts. I'm past the worst, but still have a long way to go til life calms down to just the normal crises. I think I'll try turning toward God again.
I'm just glad he's still there waiting for me. I still need my meds; still turn to Twitter for support, still trying meetup.com for friends (none so far) and still have suicidal moments. But my meds are stable, Twitter is there, I do go to the meetup meetings and the suicidal moments are farther and farther apart. Surprisingly, I'm getting better. I didn't think it was possible.
Guess what, it is possible. I'm living (thank God) proof. You don't have to believe in God for it to happen. I put a lot of this on the help of my therapist. She's great. For anyone reading, take this as a statement of hope. Healing is possible. Keep on holding on. Love, Lori B.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Update February 17, 2014
Currently working as a delivery driver, parttime nights, for a sushi restaurant. Went through a suicidal period when I was trying to fix the divorce decree to get me half of the thrift saving plan. Didn't work. Will have to sue lawyer for malpractice. It says how on the website under divorce.
Moved my TV/WiFI to my son and his girlfriend and now have no wifi at home. So every couple of days I go to a local 24 hr diner with free wifi and catch up.
Don't know why I'm not suicidal right now. It just kind of went away after hearing this song called "I Remember You". Still have serious down moments. Especially when I'm tired.
Recently I had a neurotic/dissociative event. I was continuously ruminating on how I expected to get yelled at when I got to work. Didn't happen that day. Happened some today. Well, maybe I was just worried about real stuff. But I am not being treated well by management and am not sure if my view is accurate or neurotic.
Cut my hair. It's way too short on the sides now, like a half inch long. Maybe 2-3 inches on top. Still have the back. Trying not to cut anymore and let it grow. Part of me wants to shave it, but I'm not ready for the explanations or ramifications.
Haven't really had time to ride my trike. Oh yes, I got the trike in Jan and a 2006 Oddesey to carry it in. Still working on getting the house fixed and cleaned and sold.
Don't have any insights today. Oh yes, how to deal with suicidal plans. First is the realization that suicide happens when pain is greater than the ability to cope. None of this nonsense about depression, dysfunction, whatever. Just that simple. Now, how to survive when your brain wants you to die: increase your coping mechanisms, either in the number of or the quality of or the quantity of. Right now I'm into quantity. Lot's of coloring, lots of sleep. Petting and playing with the dogs.
So that's it tonight. Time to pack it up and go home to my puppy babies. Cuddle down in my warm, comfy bed. More life tomorrow to cope with. House repairs, house cleaning, travel planning. At least now I have my insurance. Instead of paying $1250 for my Rx, I paid $178. I love insurance.
Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
Moved my TV/WiFI to my son and his girlfriend and now have no wifi at home. So every couple of days I go to a local 24 hr diner with free wifi and catch up.
Don't know why I'm not suicidal right now. It just kind of went away after hearing this song called "I Remember You". Still have serious down moments. Especially when I'm tired.
Recently I had a neurotic/dissociative event. I was continuously ruminating on how I expected to get yelled at when I got to work. Didn't happen that day. Happened some today. Well, maybe I was just worried about real stuff. But I am not being treated well by management and am not sure if my view is accurate or neurotic.
Cut my hair. It's way too short on the sides now, like a half inch long. Maybe 2-3 inches on top. Still have the back. Trying not to cut anymore and let it grow. Part of me wants to shave it, but I'm not ready for the explanations or ramifications.
Haven't really had time to ride my trike. Oh yes, I got the trike in Jan and a 2006 Oddesey to carry it in. Still working on getting the house fixed and cleaned and sold.
Don't have any insights today. Oh yes, how to deal with suicidal plans. First is the realization that suicide happens when pain is greater than the ability to cope. None of this nonsense about depression, dysfunction, whatever. Just that simple. Now, how to survive when your brain wants you to die: increase your coping mechanisms, either in the number of or the quality of or the quantity of. Right now I'm into quantity. Lot's of coloring, lots of sleep. Petting and playing with the dogs.
So that's it tonight. Time to pack it up and go home to my puppy babies. Cuddle down in my warm, comfy bed. More life tomorrow to cope with. House repairs, house cleaning, travel planning. At least now I have my insurance. Instead of paying $1250 for my Rx, I paid $178. I love insurance.
Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Update on Life
Today is Jan 6 of 2014. Part of me thought I'd never make it here; part of me dreads it. A small part looks forward.
Had the court date and it got rescheduled to Jan 8. Nervous, but not as much as before. Still don't know what the outcome will be. I'm trying to reopen the divorce negotiations because the Thrift Savings Plan was not specifically mentioned. Also, I still haven't received health insurance, the house deed or my ex's contact info.
About my ex, who I shouldn't be caring about but I do anyway because my brain is masochistic, his brain tumor has recurred and he will have surgery this month. Unless they pick chemo or radiation. I hear nothing from anyone. He could die and I wouldn't know it till later. Makes me cry. My fear is that he will die and no one will tell me til days later.
I have to pay the full taxes on the house even tho it was jointly owned until the final decree on Oct 31. There goes $6,500 I wasn't expecting.
My credit rating is at the mid 500's and a 640 is minimum for buying a new house. I could get a subprime loan if I put at least 30% down, but I don't even know if I want to stay here or not. My daughter/tran-son will probably move out of town after school's out and I may want to go there. Or, I may move north. Or east. Wish I had a clue as to what I'm looking for and what I want. What I have isn't it. But my therapist is here and so are my new meetup.com acquaintances. Does that matter? No clue.
Just paid deposit and first months rent on house for son, GF and grandbaby. They'll be gone soon. Thank god. I'm so tired of putting up with them. They will be paying $1100 but couldn't pay me a cent. A**holes. My son had to throw a fit at the other grandma yesterday because she let her pot smoking son drive the grandbaby back home. She is a CNA, has one client and got him to cosign the son and GF rental agreement. I think it's elder abuse (I refused to sign in a fit of temporary sanity). I really don't want to be in the middle of this.
I'm reading about temps in Canada and feeling cold in my 69 degree house. Turned up the heat. Grateful for a home and heating.
I quit the pizza delivery job and have a new one delivering for a sushi restaurant. They have their own cars, so I'm covered by their insurance (if you drive your own car for business here, your personal ins doesn't cover you; you need commercial ins and I can't get it). They are nice people, although many managers and drivers are in a fantasy basketball league. I don't comprehend it, so I'm "outside" the in crowd. Don't care; leaving in March or April to travel. May come back, may not.
Headache, neck ache; don't know why. Took allergy med; helped some. Neck still hurts.
Having trouble getting all my meds. With no insurance, all of them cost $1250. Trying to get AARP card; will save 20%. Not much, but better than 0%. Meanwhile, taking half doses on some, skipping others. Not a good idea, but feel I need to right now.
Wondering how I can justify getting others to pay for part of my meds. Not their problem; don't feel worthwhile enough to justify having meds. Fifty years ago I would have gone crazy and died. What makes me worth it when they weren't? Low self esteem. I do really well at work; serving others, boy I was trained for it from birth. I'm in a not-eating-well time. Sometimes I do great taking care of myself; others, not so much.
Well, this was random and rambing, but I hadn't written in a few weeks and wanted to catch up. Went and saw 47 Ronin with my daughter, 2 of her friends and one of my friends. GREAT movie. Had a lovely time. Going to go now and call AARP. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
Had the court date and it got rescheduled to Jan 8. Nervous, but not as much as before. Still don't know what the outcome will be. I'm trying to reopen the divorce negotiations because the Thrift Savings Plan was not specifically mentioned. Also, I still haven't received health insurance, the house deed or my ex's contact info.
About my ex, who I shouldn't be caring about but I do anyway because my brain is masochistic, his brain tumor has recurred and he will have surgery this month. Unless they pick chemo or radiation. I hear nothing from anyone. He could die and I wouldn't know it till later. Makes me cry. My fear is that he will die and no one will tell me til days later.
I have to pay the full taxes on the house even tho it was jointly owned until the final decree on Oct 31. There goes $6,500 I wasn't expecting.
My credit rating is at the mid 500's and a 640 is minimum for buying a new house. I could get a subprime loan if I put at least 30% down, but I don't even know if I want to stay here or not. My daughter/tran-son will probably move out of town after school's out and I may want to go there. Or, I may move north. Or east. Wish I had a clue as to what I'm looking for and what I want. What I have isn't it. But my therapist is here and so are my new meetup.com acquaintances. Does that matter? No clue.
Just paid deposit and first months rent on house for son, GF and grandbaby. They'll be gone soon. Thank god. I'm so tired of putting up with them. They will be paying $1100 but couldn't pay me a cent. A**holes. My son had to throw a fit at the other grandma yesterday because she let her pot smoking son drive the grandbaby back home. She is a CNA, has one client and got him to cosign the son and GF rental agreement. I think it's elder abuse (I refused to sign in a fit of temporary sanity). I really don't want to be in the middle of this.
I'm reading about temps in Canada and feeling cold in my 69 degree house. Turned up the heat. Grateful for a home and heating.
I quit the pizza delivery job and have a new one delivering for a sushi restaurant. They have their own cars, so I'm covered by their insurance (if you drive your own car for business here, your personal ins doesn't cover you; you need commercial ins and I can't get it). They are nice people, although many managers and drivers are in a fantasy basketball league. I don't comprehend it, so I'm "outside" the in crowd. Don't care; leaving in March or April to travel. May come back, may not.
Headache, neck ache; don't know why. Took allergy med; helped some. Neck still hurts.
Having trouble getting all my meds. With no insurance, all of them cost $1250. Trying to get AARP card; will save 20%. Not much, but better than 0%. Meanwhile, taking half doses on some, skipping others. Not a good idea, but feel I need to right now.
Wondering how I can justify getting others to pay for part of my meds. Not their problem; don't feel worthwhile enough to justify having meds. Fifty years ago I would have gone crazy and died. What makes me worth it when they weren't? Low self esteem. I do really well at work; serving others, boy I was trained for it from birth. I'm in a not-eating-well time. Sometimes I do great taking care of myself; others, not so much.
Well, this was random and rambing, but I hadn't written in a few weeks and wanted to catch up. Went and saw 47 Ronin with my daughter, 2 of her friends and one of my friends. GREAT movie. Had a lovely time. Going to go now and call AARP. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
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