The Ups and Downs of BPD with Family

Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. Life is dramatic.

Yesterday my son and his girlfriend had another fight. Blamed me. My son told me that no one cares about me, no one ever will, that all the bad things people say about me must be true, all his problems are due to my bad parenting, I will never see him or his child again after he gets enough money for him and his girlfriend and baby to move out. Basically he not only pushed all my buttons, he ripped them right out along with my heart. 

I went upstairs and slept for hours. It was the best self soothing I was capable of. I have to keep level; I have a court appearance tomorrow. I need to get ready for it.

I applied for a new delivery job and got it. They really like me. I'm supposed to get a call to go in for training Tuesday, but I don't think I can handle it. The stress from my son and his girlfriend is too great. I can't add another. I have to prep the house to sell so I can move and get away from them (they'll have to move, too, but not in with me).

I'm doing what I can to self soothe. I watched 2 movies yesterday. I've crocheted. I've taken a hot bath in my (wonderful!) double tub. I've read twitter and facebook and posted on them. I've petted my dogs. I'm still on edge. I'm shaky. I'm scared in my own house. Today the girlfriend threatened to leave with the baby (cuz I said I was taking the car she uses, but not until they have $2-3,000 to buy another) so my son blamed me and kicked in my bedroom door. 

I would kick them out, but I would have to legally evict them and that will take months while they treat me badly. My son's job depends on access to my garage, but ends on Jan 15. I can rent a house, move out and sell the house cheap and fast and they have to leave and I'm out of it without starting new crap with an eviction.

Of course, my BPD symptoms are clanging inside me. 

The good news, not that there is much: I can always get a new job, I interview like the bomb; I can go to a nearby diner where I know several servers and they actually listen to me; It's not much longer; I have a plan and it will work. Last but not least, I'm living through it. No suicidal plans. Thoughts sometimes, but not plans.

So, for anyone reading, it's survivable. I'll make it. You can, too. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Positive Traits of BPD

Most of what you will find on the net about BPD is negative. After searching for info myself, I felt I had no hope of ever finding anything about me worthwhile again. I like me, but I despaired of ever finding anyone else who would find me worthwhile.

One thing I read that was positive was a picture that said something like: I love your light and I love your dark. It inspired me to believe that someone might love me again despite, or with, my BPD.

BorderlineArt has taken on the privilege of showing how each of the 9 criterion for diagnoses of BPD and showing the GOOD side of each. They are up to number seven, but I intend to cover them all as they are available.

The first Criteria is: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note:  Do not include suicidal or self injuring behavior covered in criteria 5.

The good they found is:

We are extremely loyal and have a keen sense of connection with others despite a social norm of individual disconnection; and
BPD's can teach  that we are all deeply connected.

These are good things. Loyalty is good. A need for connectedness is good. being able to teach that need for connectedness is good.

I do not have to feel that BPD is a life sentence of lonliness. My need for connectedness will drive me out to the world over and over again. It may even drive me back to my Higher Power as I know him. I don't have to feel that I am completely bad and so broken that there is not enough glue in the world to put me back together. I can feel that I am good, worthy, and have something to offer society other that neediess and lack of productive activity.

I don't know how this affects you, but I'd love to hear. Let me know. In the meantime, Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Ten Ways to Create a Happy Moment from PsychCentral (with comments)

I found this on psych central. Many of them I use already, but some are new to me. I wanted to pass them along to you. Hope they help.

Ten Ways To Create A Happy Moment

No, this isn’t meant to be a cure for depression (or any other disorder <mine>), but we all deserve a good moment. A happy moment can both break a string of negative moods, and it can also pave the way for more positive moments. Here are ten suggestions for putting ourselves in a good mood:

1) Listen to, or watch something funny. Laughter has a way of completely wiping out a negative mood.

2) Compliment people you don’t know. It’s amazing how a bit of genuine positive energy towards others can in turn make us feels good, too. (I love this one, their genuine surprise and smile really helps my day. I make a point of not saying anything I don't believe)

3) Laugh at yourself. We all can have a way of taking ourselves too seriously, at times. Sometimes just poking a little fun at ourselves with a little perspective can lighten us up.

4) Regress. Remember what it’s like to be a child? Don’t just sadly reminisce of the past, do something that takes you back to your childhood. Ride the go-karts, play kick ball, do an art project, ride a scooter, go on a scavenger hunt, go on the swings, etc. Allow yourself to be an eight-year old in an adult body. (I LOVE the swings)

5) Hold a baby. Another of nature’s wonders. Somehow holding a baby — anyone’s baby (as long as you have the parents’ permission!) — can make things seem so simple. For a moment, it’s possible to forget our troubles and retreat to the innocence of infancy. (My son and his girlfriend have a baby and all 3 live with me. I only lose myself when holding him.)

6) Create a playlist of happy songs. Whichever songs are happy for you, have the playlist ready to go for when you could use a boost. Try to include songs from various positive points in your life, if possible. (My Cricket MUSE phone has my playlist. It's MY playlist, not yours or my kids - who hate it- but I love it.)

7) Spend time in nature. Granted, not everybody may love the outdoors, but removing oneself from the indoor environment into fresh air can lift our moods. Whether you prefer to be around mountains, trees, lakes, deserts, beaches, etc., find a place that can change the environment and bring you some peace. (Right now it's 35 and icy. My outdoors consists of going to the car from home or back to the car from store/restaurant and letting my dogs in and out. It's plenty right now.)

8) Treat yourself. Be careful with this one, especially if you’re someone who habitually spends and shops. This is more for people who tend to live lives of restraint. The point of this isn’t to go on a spree, as much as it’s to treat yourself to something you usually wouldn’t. This could be something as simple as an ice cream sundae, or allowing yourself to do an activity you may not usually do. Occasionally allowing ourselves a little bit of freedom for a treat is necessary so we don’t collapse under the weight of restraint.
(Time to read; crochet; hot chocolate; hot tea)

9) Take a bath (or spend time in a jacuzzi). This is a often a great mood changer, especially if coming from a state of stress or anger. A warm bath can draw the blood flow away from the head and distribute it throughout the body, leading to both physical and mental relaxation (also can be good for stress headache relief).
(I have this marvelous double tub which I will miss and have to replace wherever I live; it's my oasis and retreat)

10) Create your own joke or limerick. While this could fit in with “regression”, this gets its own mention because if you can make yourself laugh, you’re having a happy moment. Feel free to get crude and childish with your joke or limerick. No one has to appreciate it but you. (I just memorize puns and half funny jokes to repeat. What do you do with a deceased chemist? You barium.)

Hope these help. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

I'm Back: Happy and Hopeful

Got back today from the psych hospital. Spent just short of 6 days. I went in suicidal and came out wanting to live. I had  planned to die tomorrow; now I'll be researching jobs, groups and other options for my future on my laptop. 
My laptop! I'm back to my lovely little laptop. I practically live on it. If I have a question I don't usually ask others first, I usually google the question and look for answers there. Now I'm back! All the questions I have about my future, I can google now. I gave up on that when I decided I was going to die. Now I have the world open to me. Yea!
So, I'm back and will be blogging soon. I'm resting today, but I'm on the computer and wanted to say hi to anyone who is following or just reading a little.
So, stay alive. Be happy. Or be sad if you're sad. But stay alive. People told me life can't change if I'm not living. It pi**ed me off to no end, but they were right. Life can't change if you're not living.
Stay alive. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

if you want to talk to me, leave a comment or twitter me at LongTermPTSD. Especially if you feel suicidal. I will do what I can to help you live long enough for life to get better.  Love, Lori B.

temporary (hopefully) off-blog

going to work tonight. then wash clothes. should hit the psych ward tomorrow. not that they ever help. probably 3-5 days. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Deadline

I expect to get the settlement by Nov15. by Dec 5 I should have both cars repaired and reinsured; the walls repaired and painted; the flooring done upstairs, downstairs and in the baths; the car titles changed; if I'm not picky on contractors. I should then be dead by Dec. 10. FYI

suicide watch again

Jerk ex just cancelled all car ins without warning and hasn't paid settlement yet so I can afford my own. No "Hey, 2 days" nothing. And it's paid up til dec 7. He's such a jerk.
Yesterday some jerk got mad because I slowed down at a school zone; at the next light he got out, smashed my rear left light, ran around my  car daring me to get out. Got his license, but police won't charge him and his insurance won't pay I because the cars didn't hit.
I hate feeling like I'm unprotected and can be hurt by anyone anytime and there's nothing I can do. Suicide watch. I want to die.

DBT:Radical Acceptance

I looked up Dialectial Behavioral Therapy again to get an idea for what to cover this time. I chose a skill listed under Distress Tolerance (there's too much mf distress on this mf life)(said like Samuel L. Jackson from "Snakes on a Plane"). Why do I need to increase my distress tolerance when what really should happen is that others should reduce their distress production. Peasants.

One skill listed under Distress Tolerance (aren't we supposed to avoid the DT's?) is Self Soothing. OK, get all the X rated ideas out of your head, yes, that works, but what else ya gonna do? I thought of all the multitude of self soothing things I know that work for me and came up with about 6. Maybe not enough yet to write about. Maybe next time. Plus, there are too many that are technically dysfunctional.

So this time I'm writing about Radical Acceptance. This bites about as much as anything in Distress Tolerance. Maybe I'm just attracted to the word "radical". I like radical. Radical to me means, out of the normal, over the top, like as in NOTICE ME NOW. But Radical Acceptance does not mean notice me. It means  what I used to call Reality Therapy. What it is is what it is. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You don't like what's happening? Too bad. Unless you change it, it won't change. Accept what is for what it is. See why I hate it?

I had to use Radical Acceptance twice recently; so you can imagine how wonderful I feel. First was with my divorce. Second was with my son and his girlfriend.

My now exhusband got to decide how to invest half my divorce settlement. Just his last stab at messing my life up. Well, maybe he was actually concerned for my future. Maybe. Maybe I can accept that. It doesn't matter, though, because legally he gets to decide and he picked something I really didn't want - an annuity. Jerk. Doesn't matter if I like it or not, it's not my decision. So I have to work with this annunity and figure out how to use it to my best advantage. I can rant about how I hate it, what I wanted to happen, how I got ignored again and no matter how I rant IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. It's not my choice. It's done. I have to live with it. Radical Acceptance. What it is is what it  is.

My son now has a job (at least for the xmas season). He and his girlfriend want to move out. This is great; it's about time he grew up. But they are looking at homes like I'm trying to move out of: large homes with yards for the dogs and two car garages for his workout equipment. There is no way they can afford that. So the first thing I did (impulsive!impulsive!) is click on Zillow to see if there was a house I could buy and rent to them. Thankfully, this insanity only lasted 10 minutes before I (metaphorically) slapped myself upside the head. Now I have to accept that it is up to them to find and afford a place. Where they go; if they can afford it; if they keep it; what happens to the dogs; these are things that are not in my perview. It's not up to me.  It's a them problem and not a me problem. This is hard to give up. I want to find a perfect solution for them. I can't. Radical Acceptance. Day by day. I have my life; I made my decisions and learned; it's their turn. Radical Acceptance.

Does this explain it? It's had to practice. It's also sometimes called tough love or natural consequences. It's hard on my heart; but it works. Try it. Let me know how it works. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Changed from This Creature That I Am (BPD)

I don't know that I'm going in any specific order when writing about my experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. Today's will cover several under one theme that I use.

I have mentioned before Loretta Lynn's "(There Will Be) Peace In The Valley". One of the lines is "...and I'll be changed from this creature that I am." This is the third most profound statement from this song for me. The first is that I WILL find peace in the valley someday (whatever that represents for you); the second is "I'm tired and so weary, but I must carry on til my Lord comes and calls me away." This addresses my daily struggle with suicidal ideation. It's just there for me. Good days, bad days, it's all the same to whatever brain chemistry makes this happen in my head. I could count the days without ideas of death on both hands, without using the thumbs.

But this line "...changed from this creature that I am." gives me hope that these brain chemistry and/or learned behaviors can change. Many of the symptoms that plague me are impulsiveness; anger; emptiness; recurrent suicidal behavior; intense unstable relationships that alternate from idealization to devaluation. These are all what I call my "creature" nature. 

I believe that I, and everyone, you, too, have a higher nature. One built in by our connection with the universe and whatever higher power I believe in.

I have feared for years the idea of becoming one with the universe, but now I see that 1. the universe exists, 2. I exist, and 3. together I would exist, but in tune (as a musical reference) with the universe. I don't disappear, I add to the music of the spheres. If we could hear the wavelengths of gravity, of electricity, of movement, of the development of growing things and such, we would actually hear the "music of the spheres."

I have hope that one day I will turn into this higher natured creature and leave behind the lower nature that hounds and haunts my days and nights, my friendships and advasaries, my loves and my hates, my darknesses and my light and I would see them as all being on the same scale, and truth being bigger than them all.

Until then, I will sing. I will hope. I will fight that desire to die. I will accept the pain as proof of life and not proof of hell; and I will write. I will write to me and I will write to you. 

Write back. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

DBT: accepting uncomfortable feelings

One of the skills taught as part of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is learning to accept uncomfortable feelings.

The hardest, and first, part of this for me was learning to recognize and name my feelings. I had to learn what a feeling is and what it is not. What I first was told was that there are six basic feelings: happy, sad, mad, hurt, fear and shame/guilt. I used to have to actually stop and take up to 30 minutes running through the names of the feelings until I could identify what I felt, then name it and then put an intensity to it (1=low and 10=high) and then find a name for that feeling at that intensity.

It got to the point where I tried to write names for each of the ten intensities for each of the six emotions. One, I never finished it, and Two, my lists never matched what my therapist thought the intensities were. I'd think one emotion name meant a 9, and my therapist would tell me most people consider that name meant, like, a 3 or something. I took that to mean that I really didn't understand either my emotions or other people's emotions.

I worked on this and improved immensely and quickly. Not.

I still have trouble recognizing my feelings. I used to be better, but the divorce really messed me up. I don't even know when I have emotions. I can't predict what my emotions will be as a result of what my plans are; and I have some incredible plans right now.

I plan to get a recumbent trike, fix the house, sell it, see Dan and Jen move, store my stuff, get a new car and travel with the trike around the country in the car. How will I like it? Will it be enjoyable? Will I feel separated from life or connected to everyone?

But that's not the issue. The issue is learning to accept uncom-fortable feelings. Not to reject them; not to deny them; not to avoid them; not to anesthetize them; not to fear them; etc.; but to feel them. 

I'm having trouble writing this. More later. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

BPD: Fundamentally Flaw(less)

One way the Mayo Clinic described having Borderline Personality Disorder is that you feel fundamentally flawed. I felt such a oneness with this feeling that I chose to write about it first.

If you haven't read my earlier posts (and it's not a requirement) my trauma began (in my remembrance) at about 14 months. I won't go into many details, but let me say that at around 2 I was backhanded into a drawer pull so hard it left a dent in my skull and I was only semi conscious while the perpetrators wished me dead. I was burned at 3, and set my clothes on fire the next day in an effort to die. My point being, I was told in words and deeds that I was not wanted and brutally hurt.

This left me with a deep, deep feeling of worthlessness and shame at my very existence. I felt guilty for eating, for needing clothes, for wanting attention. I was, through words, works and deeds, led to believe the lie that I was only good for what work I could do and what I could do for men. I felt no other use; but I felt internally that it was not true. Some spark in me always led me to hold a feeling inside that I was more; I was smart, creative, happy, dancing, singing, playing and what was more was that this was the real me. I hid it when I could; was called rebellious when I couldn't.

When I was older, I found out I had a cousin who was born with several holes in his heart. Of course, he was a boy, so he had worth even if he couldn't work. Everyone loved him, he was a kind person. But it started a thought; how could he have worth without being able to work. Could worth be based on something else? I held that question deep inside and dwelt on it whenever I could.

When I was in  elementary school, and because of my paternal grandmother, I learned about God. There was someone who created us and we had worth just because we were created. I have tried hard to believe in a fundamental worth of life and have never been able to produce it. But I believe in the concept. We are worthy because we exist. In whatever capacity, incapacity, talent, lack of, looks, not popular looking, etc; we are worthy. Worthy of life; of love; of food; of shelter; of clothes; of kindness; of what everyone is worthy of.

I'm 57. I still work on believing this concept. We are not fundamentally flawed, even if we believe it. If so, we believe a lie. We are fundamentally flawless. Worthy. Worthful. 

So, to heck with my BPD mind; and yours. We are not flawed. We are not worthless. I hereby proclaim that from now and to forever, we are fundamentally flawless. 

Step one: we are worthy. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

DBT, the first of many

One of the several parts of Dialectic Behavioral Theory is the concept of mindfulness. Although, personally, I think this is the most useless of all the parts, it has been, for me, the easiest.

The idea of mindfulness is very similar to a survival trait used by trauma survivors of focusing on one item or a series of items that have nothing to do with the trauma you're experiencing as a way of focusing on something other than the trauma you're experiencing.

In other ways, it is like meditation; focusing on one thing and letting it into your consciousness and body to produce a fulfilling and profound sense of peace inside you and closing yourself off from what is around you (my definition).

In another way, it is like Paul Simon's song "I am a Rock." This is also referred to as building a wall around yourself, or putting on a mask, or living in a bubble, even if only for a brief moment. 

I learned through 3 years of Adult Children of Alcoholics to  be my real self; to lower the wall; to burst the bubble and let people like me or not like me as I really am. I swore I would never go back in the bubble. That is why this is the one part I think the most useless.

It is also the one part that is the most accessible, and, if done right, doesn't let me fall into any of the early dsyfunctions I taught myself in order to survive.

Here's how it goes: REALLY notice what you are doing/feeling right this very second.

Sounds easy, but it isn't. The example I was trained with was eating an orange. Don't just shove it down and get on with life. Notice the smell, the texture, the feeling of peeling, the color, the juice, the feeling of the juice on the skin and under the nails, the way it runs on the table or catches on a towel. Keep this up until you have finished the orange and cleaned up. Now, look around you. Where were you for the last several minutes? Worrying about what others thought of you; worrying at all? Or engrossed in the orange?

That's one example. Others are: notice all the orange things around you; pay attention to your breathing; unclench and notice your jaw or back muscles or whatever is clenched; notice all the circles; notice a picture or painting; notice background noises. These are just a few of the things that are mindfulness exercises. The idea, as I understand it, is to be aware of the goodnesses in the present moment.

Right now I am typing in my patio room. I notice the white wood walls; the framing of the windows, the orange lettering on the empty baked bean can I could be worrying about recycling, but am not doing so. There is much around me to worry about, but I'm not doing that. I'm noticing. I'm being here. I feel the keyboard and know that it is a gift from the universe. I feel bloated from the second glass of milk I'm having and know that's a goodness many will not know tonight. I see my glasses, my phone, my meds and know these are not worries. These are gifts. I don't always appreciate my gifts, but mindfulness, the exercise of mindfulness, renews my appreciation for what is and calms my worries of what is not. 

Today, I have a home. Unpaid bills; a crying grandchild; nonworking children; messes I can't keep up with; broken things that need fixing; dogs that don't get enough attention now; a job I have to work in 15 hours. But enough of that. Today, I have a home. I have a patio. I have white wood walls. I have window frames. I have orange letters and glasses and a phone and a keyboard and milk. I have goodness in my life. Worries, messes, duties, fears; but also goodness. This is mindfulness. This is peace. Peace with today. Peace with this moment. Peace within myself. Sometimes a rare quality. Sometimes amazingly available if I just let myself notice.

Try it. Google it or see your/a therapist for more information. Open yourself to the peace and goodness that is available in this moment.

Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Lost in the Maze

Was reading up about Dialectical Behavioral Training and realized my BPD tweets are not for bi-polar, but Borderline Personality Disorder. So I googled Borderline Personality Disorder.

Folks, I'm trashed. Been trashed since 14 months. This stuff messes up your life and just gets worse. Now I know why I have no friends, I don't really care about anyone, I react quickly and erractically, etc. It's not the PTSD, tho that's there. It's the BPD.

I'm am losing hope. Don't mean to be morbid, but like I read, this stuff doesn't get better. You can learn DBT, but it's like putting my mask back on, putting my wall up and getting back in my bubble. I swore I'd never do that again and I won't. I'd rather live alone as me than have fake friends for a fake person. I taught myself a lot of the DBT stuff as a child and made it up. I spent 12 years on a bus to and from school and no one ever spoke to me. EVER. Twelve years of being ostracized and learning avoidance. I see it now as a form of bullying. "Be like us or be avoided."

I'm now 57. My kids are grown. My 18 yr old will graduate next June. My 21 yr old has a girlfriend and a baby and maybe a job in a week that he'll like and keep. He wants to start his own household. I've been waiting for this moment for 2 yrs. My 18 yr old knows what she wants to do and how to do it. I'm in my empty nest and boy is it ever empty; especially after the divorce finalized yesterday.

So what do I do now that I believe it will just get worse and the research backs it up? First, I'm buying a recumbent trike. Then I'm doing a little fix up on the house and selling it. Then I'm going to travel around the US in my car with my trike.

Then what? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll come back to Texas. Maybe I'll find somewhere I like better (Kentucky? Tennessee? Mountains, woodlands, rivers?) Maybe I'll end it all. Suicide is a common theme for BPD's and about 33% of us end up that way. Maybe I'll make the 66%. I'm strong. But I'm so tired of being strong. It's like the stronger I am, the more life throws at me so I have to keep getting stronger. One day, I'll hit the wall too hard and not bounce back up.

I've hit the wall several times. Usually characterized by sleeping, drinking, eating and then picking myself back up. When will I hit and not bounce? I figure I have 30 natural years left. And I mean natural. I am a creature God made and I hate the creature part. It hurts so much. Look up Loretta Lynn's "(There Will Be) Peace In The Valley." I want it played at my funeral. Not completely biblical, but the meaning is there.

When do I become God's creature? Is that up to me or up to God. So far (usually) I've left it up to God. I feel he gave me my life and if I take it, I'm stealing from him. On the other hand, I feel like he's expecting a lot from this broken little creature he made and if  I reach my end and he doesn't notice, then it's up to me. Or maybe that's his plan.

For now, I need to shop for a trike and an electrician. One step at a time. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

DBT posts

I follow a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Training) site on twitter. It's some guy and his corgi. Pretty, funny, caring and very little DBT. So I have decided to add DBT info to my blog.

I tried to write a blog on Fear of Abandonment as part of PTSD, but it just wouldn't come. Have no fear, Abandonment is here. Maybe I need an AbandonmentMan comic for it. My daughter does comics (really well!). I bet she's do them based on my, not ideas, but more like info or history or something. Then I'd do DBT articles, too.

Any suggestions for topics, your stories, etc, are appreciated. I'm thinking of a Vimeo or Radio type series, too. Too complicated yet. Still planning.

Any way, officially divorced today. Maybe a good abandonment topic. 5 hours at work; exhausted. Son, girlfriend, grandbaby left as soon as I got home to go to a friends home to watch a movie. Good for them, maybe another abandonment topic for me.

Keep holding on. I'm gonna buy a recumbent trike. Love, Lori B.

plans for posts

For now I am going to concentrate on physical symptoms of PTSD and how I react and how and what I change. I will add some of what I research, but I will be focusing on my personal reactions.

Crap, I hate this stuff.

Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Reaction to Jacob Samson Bres: Panic attack and EMS

Arrived home last night and slept. When I awoke this morning, it all hit me. A day and a half awake; forgot my meds; didn't eat well; stuffing everything that wasn't urgent. Started to eat and got a migraine which swiftly spread to my nasal passages. Took allergy med and ibuprofen. My head started tingling and it spread to my face; then it went away; then it came back and I felt nauseous and sweaty and confused. Of course, I catatrophised: it's a stroke.

Looked up stroke symptoms on google. Only fit one: confusion. So of course I called my doctor. They always say call 911 to protect themselves. So I had EMS over to diagnose a panic attack. Of course, it's been a while since I had one, so I didn't notice it right away.

But it's been a busy two years: husband's brain tumor; husband left; not enough money; son won't work; 5 visits to psych ward including one non-lethal suicide attempt; Jenny moved in; Jenny pregnant; things in house breaking; husband won't finish divorce; furlough; new job; got fired for taking time to be with son's girlfriend and son during labor (even tho I told them and HR said just give 3 hrs notice); spent all this month's money and bills still not paid; four adults and an infant to support on not enough money; maxed out credit card from paying lawyer. Can't imagine why I'm having a panic attack. 

Read through my twitter account and facebook for support. Slept. Saw grandchild and son and his girlfriend. Good self support; as well as I have available.

Hope your lives are less volatile. Therapy tomorrow; yeah! Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

news of arrival of Jacob Samson Bres

Baby Jacob Samson Bres was born today at 8 am. He was 7 lb 14.5 oz and 20.5 in. He is in good health, breastfeeding, active, looking interested in everything, sleeping and farting. No dirty diapers yet. Mom Jennifer and dad Daniel and incredibly thrilled and totally exhausted. After a c section was planned due to stalled dialation, it was soon cancelled to allow a woman needing an emergency c section to be tended to. During the 2 hour wait, the dialation resumed, resulted in an unexpectedly unmedicated vaginal delivery. Jennifer was a star; she pushed through the pain and delivered Jacob after a half hour of nurse and doctor attended pushing.
Mother, father and child are still at the hospital.
In other news, I am no longer employed. After telling my employer, at time of hiring, about imminent delivery and getting OK for 3 days off, called in today and was told to choose between my job and my family. For a full time wife/mother of 27 years, the choice was simple. I am unemployed and the age discrimination and disablility liability lawsuit will start as soon as I have time to find a lawyer.

PS Thanks, Wendy, for asking. Love to all. Keep holding on. Lori Bres; happy to be alive.

Diagnosed; Now What

3 yrs  ago I had a bad suicidal problem (still do, but that's another story) and went to a local long term psych hospital. I do a lot of googling and reading and was sure the  suicidal ideation had a lot to do with my psychiatrists diagnosis of PTSD. I tried to get treatment for the PTSD, which this location had, but it was government funded and only for vets. One tech, however, broke the rules and introduced me to a PTSD therapist who I started seeing after I was released.

First, let me rant a bit about suicide and psych wards. All I've ever seen, and all I've ever read is that if you are suicidal and go to a psych ward, they will lock you up and watch you until you cry uncle and say you're not suicidal anymore. This is the wrong way to help suicidal people. Psychology researchers don't even know what to do for suicidal people; it's really a new area of research.  So, if you are suicidal, do go to the psych ward until you're past the urge. Look for things that make your life worthwhile. Ask a social worker to set you up with some community support if you're low on the supportive type people  stuff. Get set up with new meds, a new psychiatrist and a new therapist and vow to give it time to get working. Once you live, you can always die (don't), but once you die, you can't live again.

The first thing I did after being diagnosed was to look up the usual causes, the usual symptoms and usual treatments for PTSD.

Well, it's not just a vet thing. PTSD has been around as long as people have. The symptomology actually leads to some behaviors that were valuable for hunter/gatherers and early farming communities. They are not so valuable for an industrial/technology setting.

The next thing was to get on the right meds. Then I kept my therapy appointments and discovered (TADA!) the concept of PTSD growth. This means PTSD can lead to good changed in your life if you are open to working the process and keeping up the hope level.

Now, I've learned that PTSD can be avoided if certain meds are given within a short length of time after the traumatic event. PTSD may go the way of AIDS: untreatable for a while (like Viet Nam vets with PTSD), then treatable with increasing effect with meds (current) and then vaccines (soon).

Now that you're diagnosed, try what I did: search for information, get a good psychiatrist and therapist, follow your med routine, give it time and remember about Post Traumatic Growth.

I'll talk about symptomology and coping mechanisms in other posts.

Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

It's a New Day

I really needed a kick in the butt and I got it. Even though my (soon to be ex) husband is on sick leave, if the government shuts down, I lose over half my income. OUCH!

So I got off my butt, past my fear, coped with my anxiety and desire to withdraw and went job hunting for the first time in 25 years. Today I start as a delivery driver for a pizza store. Not high
profile or glamorous, but my first paying job in 25 years. They even liked that I had been a full time mom (what else do we do but drive the kids all over, lots of experience). Just over minimum wage, and the money is mine! No longer fully dependent on my husband. It feels fantastic.

Money. Control over my life. People who appreciate me. Maybe I'll never be suicidal again.

Then again, maybe not. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

The Sky is Gray and Dark and Cloudy

Paul Simon sang a song called "Cloudy" (I like it). It starts:
"Cloudy,
 the sky is gray and dark and cloudy,
 sometimes I feel it's hangin' down on me;
 I'm a ragamuffin child,
 with a pointed, painted smile...."
I can't remember the rest right now, but I feel it was written for people like you and me. Especially this weekend.

Weekends are bad for me. These are the days my kids see their dad. They come to me all hyped up on how wonderful he is and then complain to me about how little I do for them. It's the classic divorced mom with kids: I'm boundaries and budge; he's fun and money.

This leaves me feeling that I want to avoid weekends, I'm sensitive to everything they say about him that's good, I numb myself by sleeping and when I do think all I remember is the pain. 

This weekend I almost died. I was thinking up plans to suicide and debating going in hospital. I tried talking to my son about my suicidal thoughts. He lives withh me, is 20 yrs old, no full time job and his girlfriend (who lives with us) is pregnant. He told me I had nothing to hurt about; everything was in the past and it was all going to work out OK. He has no clue.

I slept all weekend. They offered to take me to the park with them, but I was deep in avoidance. When they came back from church and lunch, though, they were all down on the people at church (who judged them for not being married, claimed they wouldn't raise their child in the church because they didn't come every week and gave them dirty looks) and how feeble and brain damaged (from a successfully removed brain tumor) dad was. Finally, I didn't feel like the grinch who stole their lives.

I'd come up with a plan, though. If I hadn't held out til then, I'd be dead now. But I'm alive and found a new trigger. Weekends. Every f***ing weekend. So now I need a plan for this trigger. Thankfully, I have an appt with my therapist on Tuesday. She may put me in the hospital, though, since I now have a workable plan. The trouble with the hospital is no psych ward deals with suicide except by locking you up until you cry uncle. Maybe I can get a book to take to work on; just in case she sends me.

More trigger work. The sky is gray and dark and cloudy. My smile is pained on and pointed (reminds me of the joker). It feels like this all the time. I found a job I can do at home, copywriting, but I don't feel I write well enough to apply. Insidious self doubt; sometimes it feels it's raining down on me. It's a miserable way to live. It's brighter on the other side, though; I know through experience.

I hope your days are sunnier. Write me if you want to talk. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B

NAMI says Obesity linked to Anxiety; I think they didn't look hard enough

I just read a post at Conquer Worry about a NAMI (National Assoc. for Mental Illness) study that links worry and anxiety as a cause of obesity. I think they didn't look deep enough. My theory is that the worry and anxiety come from undiagnosed PTSD and if these women (and men) get treated only for worry and/or anxiety, they will not be getting the treatment they need.

I was in OA (Overeaters Anonymous) for 2+ years and it did nothing for me. My take is that it focuses on the food. They say they focus on the feelings but all the talk is weight loss. May be a good goal, but not the first. Unless you deal with the feelings, the deep feelings, the weight will stay or come back. 

I think the deep feelings are PTSD feelings and they take a different form of therapy to fix. The four main effects of  PTSD are hyper-vigilance; intrusion; avoidance (fear/worry) and numbing. If you focus on only the fear/worry, the rest is left untreated and leaves permanent scars on the psyche and behavior.

This is one reason for my blog. I want people to know there is more  under their anxiety/depression than they think and to get full treatment.  I want medical/mental health people to see past the anxiety/depression/obesity/ OCD  etc. and find and treat the PTSD.

Have you looked for the PTSD behind your coping behaviors?

Conquer more than worry; conquer it all. If you're still here and alive, you're strong enough. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

FEAR, PANIC AND MISERY ON ME

Oct 1, 2013: possible government shut down. My (soon to be ex) husband is a government employee. If the government shuts down, he doesn't get paid. If he doesn't get paid, I don't get paid. There goes the electricity, water, food, cable, phones, everything. I may have to sell my car and use the bus or borrow my kid's car. 

Massive panic attacks; catastrophic thinking, crying, fear, wanting to withdraw. My son and his girlfriend don't think it'll happen. I think they're optimists.

Well, there's always selling my car. Not that I'll get another one soon, but what can you do?

Keep holding on. Lori B

Four in a row

Today marks four in a row. Four times this week I have reached out to new experiences to help me cope with isolation, withdrawl and avoidance. I went to a Sierra Group meeting (actually my third one) and enjoyed it immensely. One Tuesday a month they have a speaker at a public room in the local Witte Museum. I'll go to another Sierra Group meeting in about half an hour to watch a movie and maybe go out after. I have also practiced my guitar twice! It may have been only 5 min each, but I'm out of practice, my fingers get sore and I have trouble reading the chords and words on the computer.

So, the money's tight; my phone is going off for 2 wks because I cant pay it; it's that or food and I choose the food. This would be a huge trigger usually: hopelessness, worry about anger from my kids because I pay their phone bills; anger toward John and my lawyer for such a sucky settlement. Usually, I would withdraw, consider suicide, sleep for a day, refuse to eat. But I'm not. I'm going out! Congratulations to me!

What are your triggers? What do you usually do to cope (healthy or unhealthy, I don't judge you)?

I hope you are well. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Triggers and Dealing With Them

Went to my therapist today. I am doing well today due to starting a twitter account (Long Term PTSD) and getting 3 followers already! However if you read my earlier post (The Ragged Edge) I was suicidal on Saturday and refusing to eat.

My therapist helped me realize my trigger wasn't just not getting paid on time but that my (soon to be ex) husband's birthday was Saturday and my son was due to see him and give him a present. Anything about John is a massive trigger and this was 3 in one. I really reacted strongly.

I don't have the birthday trigger for another year, although the anniversary trigger is in 6 months. However, my therapist and I worked on some "I'm not getting paid on time and I'm broke and life isn't worth living" triggers and prepped some answers. Prepping is good. I'm going to have to see how much it helps next payday.

Have you used prepping for a trigger? How did it work for you?

So, hopefully no more serious suicide fears. Using social support and learning (guitar) and fun (crochet; went and bought more yarn; gonna make a rug) as well. Today has been a good day.

Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.

Tweet

I have a twitter account now at Long Term PTSD. I haven't tweeted yet, but I will. 

Keep holding on. Lori B.

Unsuicide

Again facing the suicidal ideation beast. Did my usual; googled about it. Unsuicide is a twitter account and maybe available if you just google it. I feel guilty about posting about my suicidal tendencies. I don't want to start anyone down that path; but I can't be honest if I leave it out.

Please remember that, if you read about my suicidal thoughts, it is not saying suicide is OK. I'm just saying that it is one of the symptoms I am having to deal with and I'm sure I'm not alone. There will be a follow up on how I dealt with it, got through it, and lived. It is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. It is a temporary thought that can be lived through with some effort.

Suicide seems like the answer when the pain is too much to bear. Usually we are stronger than we think. Make the effort to reach out. Even talking to a stranger on the phone at a hotline really WILL help. I've felt like it was stupid to reach out to a stranger for 5 minutes - like how is that supposed to help? What difference can it make? It does work. Please don't follow me down that suicidal ideation path. You deserve better.

Keep holding on. I'm making it through. Love, Lori B.

A little closer to the edge

I was supposed to receive my spousal support today. I have not received it. It is usually sent the 13th, two days ago; but he can send it as late as the 15th. I think he's waiting until midnight just to grind my gears. He's such an a**hole.

It just brings up ALL my PTSD crap: a male in charge of something important in my life messing with me for no reason but the fact that they can and there is nothing I can do to protect myself.

I haven't eaten today. I'm not going to. I had coffee, and that's all. I am PO's at the universe for having this all happen to me. I think that 57 years is enough. I'm through. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. 

UPDATE: Finally got paid at 9pm. Too late to do anything. Gave in and ate around 8pm. Made it, or didn't make it, for about 10 hours. Talked to my son. He is so helpful. Told me this was a new beginning and not to focus on the past. I feel guilty for hurting so much that I just want it to stop; but that's the way my life is. Started a twitter account called Long Term PTSD. Now I have to figure out what to do with it. Maybe the first step to that non-profit. Very little out there on long term PTSD. There won't be much more if I can't hold on.

But here's to you. Keep holding on. I know it's hard; but it's possible. Love, Lori B.

Comments, please

Hi, I started this blog to help myself (I don't otherwise journal) and to help others 1) not feel alone and 2) find info on long term PTSD and 3) give some real life examples of what coping looks like.

Supposedly, I'm getting some views but no comments. If you are viewing these, and aren't too uncomfortable, could you comment? Even an "This helped", "This didn't help" would be good for me.

I'll still blog, comments or no comments. It's good for me and who knows what will come of it. I'm considering starting a not-for-profit organization to disseminate info and maybe start an intake questionaire for med/mental health intake and lobby for more treatment for longterm PTSD sufferers.

But some comments would be nice. Keep holding on. Lori B

The Tidy Life

I was reading today from one of Dave Barry/Ridley Pearson's Starcatcher series when one line caught at me. I've learned over time to  pay attention to these moments - life is trying to tell me something. The character, a wife from (probably) 1900's England, was saying how she couldn't go on an adventure because she was now a wife and mother and she didn't want to leave her tidy life.

This started me thinking and I realized, I have never lived a tidy life. I put it down to PTSD and the fact that I was raised in a form of crazy environment. It could also be that I am an artist, which itself is a form of untidiness. Artists tend to think in twists; given fact a and data b, we come up with qrtz instead of the conclusion c.

Or am I an artist because of the abuse, the chaos and the having to make some sense of it? Is it the chicken or the egg?

At the least, I know I am not meant for the tidy life. I will always live in chaos and I find comfort in that chaos and I find a different kind of organization in that chaos. To me, life is not logical; it is not rational; we are emotional creature intended to live with each other and change our outlook and/or our schedule when we encounter those others that need our personal interaction. God could, but doesn't, solve the problems of the world because he wants us to hold hands and do it together.

So, it's a chaos life for me. My son and his girlfriend want peace and order. Too bad for them, they will have a baby soon. Maybe they will become more appreciative of my chaos management. Maybe I will be reminded of the value of my chaos management. I have a hard time still finding value in anything I am capable of; and both my (not yet completely divorced) husband and my grown kids want order and peace. Good for them. Get it while you can. Life is rarely about order, often surrounded with disorder and always full of emotions and brokenness.

Embrace the disorder in your life. Accept the chaos. It is the doorway to life's big and little adventures. Still at 57, with disabilities, I will take the adventure and hopefully, live it to the max. PTSD, physical ailments and suicidal ideation included. God help me to live; and to live life before I die.

Keep holding on. I wish the best for you. Lori B

Music to tame the wild breast

I currently use a cricket phone with MuveMusic. I'm up to about 500 song with my favorite artists. I just added songs from Patsy Cline, Paul Simon and Simon and Garfunkel. I already have songs from searches for Dire Straits and Al Stewart. Each of the searches show lists of similarly names artists or compilation albums they have singles on, so I have some others, too (Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, some 50's and 60's songs). 

I listen to them now when I crochet and today while I was cleaning the kitchen. WOW does it help my mood! I was dancing in the kitchen and got a lot done. Love my music.

Next, I find time to make my portable DVD player actually available. I have several hundred DVD's and love most of them. Funny ones especially perk me up. 

I'm finding that dealing with the PTSD and suicidal ideation is just a daily thing. One day at a time.

Keep holding on. Lori B

So Much For A Job

Went to my therapist yesterday. Since I've been scared of working; that I would overdo it and would end up in the hospital or at the bottom of a ravine; her suggestion was to stop looking for paid work and volunteer when I could handle it. The money is going to suck. Next August I'll lose child support and almost half my income. I talked to Daniel about working and doing his personal training on the side; he's looking now but today he's running a fever. Jen's due any time. The PTSD in me wants to hide or leave or find that celebrity that's giving away all his money and see if I can get some. Can't do that. the only way out is through.

I looked up PTSD growth and found there are like 14 indicators that a PTSD sufferer is likely to do well at PTSD Growth. I got 0's on 6 and 4-6 on the rest. A person with a good shot gets 14's minimum. Not encouraging (wanted to use other words, but not on my blog). It's a government site so it ends in .gov if you want to look it up. Maybe I'll include it in my next blog. 

I'd like these to be uplifting. All I can say it I'm here with  you and I'm still alive. Keep it up. Lori B

Job search and suicidal ideation

Today I made another stab at getting a job. I made 2 calls and left messages. I filed 2 online applications. Then I reached my freak out point. I never went to the 3 places I wanted to visit in the afternoon.

I was thinking that this would never work; that I'd end up with a full time job that would over tax my energy reserves and end up in the hospital again, or worse, at the bottom of a ravine. I napped.

When I awoke, I realized that 1) I was going to have to have something written to hand people about my skills and history, 2) I was going to have to insist on only part time and 3) this was going to take a lot longer than I thought.

I did a "career evaluation" to help me find what I am best at. Nothing useful, it seems. I used to be in sales, but I'm not energetic enough for that. Or motivated. Or organized. I've done management, writing, admin, but all 25 yrs ago. I have no references and a 30 year old Associates degree.

I really stressed out and considered suicide again to reduce the strain on the household. After napping and reading, I got hold of myself and set some rules: no job shopping til I create that written document; only part time; evening if I can; no 7am jobs; talk to my son and daughter in law when I feel that bad.

There is also a Prosumers (consumers of mental health nonprofit) in my town. I looked them up and they now have Peer Crisis Navigators. I emailed and asked for one. We'll see how it goes.

Don't give up just because you're suicidal. If you have loved ones, talk to them. If not, call a crisis center or go to and ER. I also watch funny shows or movies, read funny stuff on the internet, crochet, read, listen to music, nap, etc. I LOVE Jenga, but there is no flat open surface to play on. I'll have to work on that. By the way, the generic Jenga is terrible. The blocks are poorly made.

More later on my life, loves and job search. Keep hanging in.

Good article on post traumatic growth; look up/google:
Positive change processes and post-traumatic growth in people who have experienced childhood
abuse: Understanding vehicles of change (by)
Clare Woodward1 and Stephen Joseph2 *
1Department of Child Psychology, Craig Croft Clinic, Solihull, UK
2Department of Psychology, University of Warwick, UK


It's in the Journal of Psychology

PTSD and the divorce

Made a decision to go back to work since the support money is insufficient and baby Jacob is due anytime. To that end, I got up this morning (Sat) at 8:15 and went to a free 10 am class on beginning guitar (I'd bought the guitar when I was still married). The class went well; I went home and did dishes and mopped the kitchen and  ate. Then I napped for 6 hours.
I fear that I won't be able to keep up the schedule for back to work. This is why I'm labelled disabled. It's also part of the PTSD response. I'm avoiding. I'm hiding. I'm also reliving the feelings of being at someone else's mercy and being hurt. I had bad dreams about finding my ex back in the house. I dreamed he'd bought some furniture and had it sent here instead of to his place. He also had friends to help him who disliked me and were vocal about it. He wanted some of the furniture back. He was moving into a house bigger and more expensive than mine. He took apart my stairs and cut a hole in the upstairs floor. All the light bulbs were dead.
I'm no stranger to bad dreams, or dreams in general, and they usually tell me something about myself that I'm not willing to face in real life. This dream told me several things. I need to know he is in a one bedroom apartment by himself so I feel stronger and better than him. I want to avoid meeting those people we both knew and who now judge me badly and dislike me. I'm letting him live in my mind WAY too much. He darkens and damages my life (usually "my" house or car, whatever it looks like, is an icon that represents my life).
So what do I do about it?
What comes to mind first is to go back to church tomorrow and face all those people who spurned me (my, what old fashioned wording; wonder why). Second, maybe I shouldn't keep this house after all. It suits me and my son, daughter in law and future grandchild though. Maybe we'll change it enough. I'll keep it for now, fix it up and see how it fits. 
I  think one of the big things is going back to work because my husband didn't live up to his promise of taking care of me after I spent my best working years staying at home and being a wife and a mother. Can I sue him for this? Is there some kind of "understood" contract that I can hold him to? Not in Texas, at least. Can I actually say he isn't taking care of me? Would the money last if I didn't have my son and pregnant daughter in law with me? Where could I stand to send them? Is this just me being codependent or am I doing what anyone would expect of a mother?
Mostly, I think I'm just hiding, avoiding. Being hypervigilant about the apparent disparities between myself and someone who  hurt me incredibly. Maybe it's the physical ailments and I'm really just tired. Maybe the pain is overwhelming, emotionally and physically.
Doesn't matter really. I have to go back to work. Money runs the world.

Yesterday I decided I needed to find a job. Things at home are tight after the divorce and my son and his pregnant girlfriend live with me.  She is due to deliver soon which means she will stop working for a while. I want her to be at home as long as she needs/wants. Therefore I decided that today I would go job hunting. I would go back to what I consider fighting the world. My previous job experiences have been less than emotionally uplifting.

I set my alarm for 7:45, figuring it would take me a while to get out of bed early. I have been saying I am a night owl. I can't sleep before 2AM and usually rise around noon to 2PM.

I woke up to, um, visit the facilities a little before 7:30. Did I stay up, take a bath, dress, eat? No. I turned off the alarm and crawled back under the covers. Part of me was sure I'd get back up in an hour or two. The other part was scared to death.

I stayed in bed until 3PM. I realized I am not anxious about job hunting after being out of the paid workforce for 25+ years: I am phobic, terrified of facing strangers who will judge me and hold my survival in their hands. This is all 4 PTSD symptoms in one: re-experiencing, avoidance, hyperarousal and "other symptoms" (sleeping all day to avoid EVERYTHING).

I am having a panic attack just writing this. I can and have gone to new situations where I carried on very good and enjoyable conversations with strangers. But the places I went were safe; the strangers were not judging me; the groups had actually advertised for new members.

I google PTSD again; probably have done so nearly a hundred times by now. I have been in therapy, even in in hospital car (over 4, less than 10 times) for 25+ years. Yet I didn't recognize my sleep cycles or job hunting fears for what they are until I couldn't avoid it anymore. GD! When will this sh** end! God promised me, as a child, that he would heal me when I turned 18 and left home. It's been 39 years; I think he's a little late! I know he exists; I've spoken to him, he's spoken back; I've seen and talked to him; I stood at the gates of heaven and was given a choice to go in or come back (I came back; my kids still needed me). So where the h*** is he?

I googled how to cope with a panic attack and here's the scoop by a professional (bold, underline and italics are what I added):

Here's How It Works

Adrenaline causes the heart to pump extra blood. This extra blood gets pumped into your major muscles to increase your ability to run fast and to increase the strength in your arms. Extra blood also goes into your brain to give you heightened abilities to respond to the emergency.

It takes three minutes from the time that your brain sends the emergency signal until your body is fully adrenalated with extra blood in your large arm and leg muscles and in your brain. In that three minute period you experience your heart pumping hard and extra blood flowing throughout your body. As long as your adrenal glands keep getting an emergency message, they continue to produce and release additional adrenaline. Once your brain stops signaling an emergency, your adrenal glands hold the adrenaline instead of releasing it.

It Only Takes Three Minutes To Stop A Panic Attack

It takes three minutes for your adrenal glands to fill your body with the adrenaline response. It also only takes three minutes for your body to stop the adrenaline reaction. If you stop a panic attack as soon as it starts, the reaction only has to last for three minutes.

It's Very Simple

Stopping a panic attack is very simple. All you have to do is stop the emergency message from being sent to your adrenal glands. Learn these four simple steps and your panic attack will only last for three minutes. Once you understand how this works, you never have to have a panic attack again.

Learn These Four Simple Steps

If panic attacks have been a recurring problem, write the four basic steps on a little card, with a list of sample Coping Statements on the back. Mark the card with bright stripes to make it easy to find in your wallet, and keep it with you everywhere you go until you memorize the steps and know them thoroughly. Study these steps and learn them in advance. If you have a panic attack, get out your card immediately and follow it exactly. Once you learn these steps you won't need the card.

Full Resolution

If you experience panic attacks more often than occasionally I strongly suggest that you work with a practitioner to resolve the cause of your anxiety. You owe it to yourself to be free of anxiety. Permanently resolving issues of anxiety is one of my areas of specialty.

The Four Steps:

Relax.

Stop Negative Thinking.

Use Coping Statements.

Accept Your Feelings.

Here's How:

Step 1. Relax.

Relax by taking slow, deep, complete breaths. Calm yourself by remembering that you are only having a panic attack and that nothing more serious is happening to you. Continue to take slow, deep, complete breaths. Slow, deep, complete breaths will relax your body, which is the first step to reversing the release of adrenaline.

Step 2. Stop Negative Thinking.

Stop negative thinking by shouting the word "STOP!!!" really loud inside your head. By shouting the word "STOP" you are interrupting the emergency message that your brain is sending to your adrenal glands. Often people having a panic attack get into an endless loop repeating the same catastrophic thoughts over and over in their head. Interrupting this endless loop gives you the opportunity to replace the scary message with a calming one.

Step 3. Use Coping Statements.

A coping statement is a positive statement that is at least as strong as the catastrophic statement that you have been scaring yourself with. Replace the negative thought with a positive one. Choose a statement that addresses the negative thought.

For example, if you think that you are having a heart attack (a common fear during a panic attack) then you might be saying something in your head like, "Oh my God, I'm having a heart attack" or, "I'm gonna die, oh my God, I'm gonna die!" After you shout the word "STOP!" immediately replace the fear thought with a positive statement that helps you to cope with the situation, such as "I'm only having a panic attack and it will be over in three minutes if I relax" or, "My fear is making my heart pound harder, my heart is fine."

If you feel afraid hearing footsteps behind you on the street you might say, "I've walked down this street hundreds of times" or, "I walk alone on the street every night when I come home from work; what I hear behind me is someone else who is walking home from work."

Other coping statements might be, "I've gotten through this situation many times before and I can get through it again" or, "I am fine, everything is fine."

Brainstorm the kinds of fearful thoughts that bring on panic for you and then make a long list of coping statements that you can look at when you need to rather than trying to think of coping statements in the middle of a panic attack.

Note: If your fear is in response to a real danger I suggest that you consider making new choices that address those fears. If you are concerned about your health consult with your doctor.

Step 4. Accept Your Feelings.

Accepting your feelings is very important. Minimizing this experience usually serves to perpetuate it.

Start by identifying what emotion you are feeling. Most panic attacks are caused by the emotion of fear or some variation of fear. Identify the emotion you are feeling and find the reason that you feel it.

Validate that feeling and the reason for it. If you are having a panic attack before giving a speech, you are afraid because it's scary. Stage fright is a common cause of fear and panic. If you're afraid that you're having a heart attack, it's certainly valid to be afraid of that. If you are afraid of footsteps behind you on the street it's reasonable to be afraid that something bad might happen to you.

In all of these cases take the appropriate precautions. Have a regular check up so that you know that your heart is healthy. Walk in a well-lit area and be aware of your surroundings on the street. Walk like a warrior and not like a victim. These are all important precautions to ensure your safety. Then, when you use a coping statement that reminds you that you had a check up recently and that your heart is fine, you can reassure yourself that it's okay to be afraid, knowing that you are safe.

Fear is a positive emotion that reminds you to take care of yourself. Listen to your feelings, take good care of yourself, and keep your emotions in proportion to the situation by keeping an appropriate perspective.

Many people have stopped having panic attacks after learning these steps. However, there is a deeper solution to permanently resolving panic and anxiety responses, fully giving you emotional freedom and happiness. Your mind has the power to significantly influence your negative responses in all situations. By working with hypnosis and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a powerful way of changing or enhancing your thinking processes) we can achieve any goal, solve any problem and create the excellence you desire in all areas of your life.

You can become the person that you choose to be.

Pati McDermott, CHT

Certified Hypnotherapist

Certified NLP Master Practitioner

Certified NLP Health Practitioner

Certified TPM Advanced Master Practitioner

web site: nlpPati.com

email: Pati@nlpPati.com

call any time: 877-881-4348

Private sessions in person and by telephone

© 2004 by Pati McDermott

San Francisco Bay Area     Santa Rosa, California

Good luck with these. I've used them before and am trying them now. You are not alone. Lori B