Made a decision to go back to work since the support money is insufficient and baby Jacob is due anytime. To that end, I got up this morning (Sat) at 8:15 and went to a free 10 am class on beginning guitar (I'd bought the guitar when I was still married). The class went well; I went home and did dishes and mopped the kitchen and ate. Then I napped for 6 hours.
I fear that I won't be able to keep up the schedule for back to work. This is why I'm labelled disabled. It's also part of the PTSD response. I'm avoiding. I'm hiding. I'm also reliving the feelings of being at someone else's mercy and being hurt. I had bad dreams about finding my ex back in the house. I dreamed he'd bought some furniture and had it sent here instead of to his place. He also had friends to help him who disliked me and were vocal about it. He wanted some of the furniture back. He was moving into a house bigger and more expensive than mine. He took apart my stairs and cut a hole in the upstairs floor. All the light bulbs were dead.
I'm no stranger to bad dreams, or dreams in general, and they usually tell me something about myself that I'm not willing to face in real life. This dream told me several things. I need to know he is in a one bedroom apartment by himself so I feel stronger and better than him. I want to avoid meeting those people we both knew and who now judge me badly and dislike me. I'm letting him live in my mind WAY too much. He darkens and damages my life (usually "my" house or car, whatever it looks like, is an icon that represents my life).
So what do I do about it?
What comes to mind first is to go back to church tomorrow and face all those people who spurned me (my, what old fashioned wording; wonder why). Second, maybe I shouldn't keep this house after all. It suits me and my son, daughter in law and future grandchild though. Maybe we'll change it enough. I'll keep it for now, fix it up and see how it fits.
I think one of the big things is going back to work because my husband didn't live up to his promise of taking care of me after I spent my best working years staying at home and being a wife and a mother. Can I sue him for this? Is there some kind of "understood" contract that I can hold him to? Not in Texas, at least. Can I actually say he isn't taking care of me? Would the money last if I didn't have my son and pregnant daughter in law with me? Where could I stand to send them? Is this just me being codependent or am I doing what anyone would expect of a mother?
Mostly, I think I'm just hiding, avoiding. Being hypervigilant about the apparent disparities between myself and someone who hurt me incredibly. Maybe it's the physical ailments and I'm really just tired. Maybe the pain is overwhelming, emotionally and physically.
Doesn't matter really. I have to go back to work. Money runs the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment