Good article on post traumatic growth; look up/google:
Positive change processes and post-traumatic growth in people who have experienced childhood
abuse: Understanding vehicles of change (by)
Clare Woodward1 and Stephen Joseph2 *
1Department of Child Psychology, Craig Croft Clinic, Solihull, UK
2Department of Psychology, University of Warwick, UK


It's in the Journal of Psychology

PTSD and the divorce

Made a decision to go back to work since the support money is insufficient and baby Jacob is due anytime. To that end, I got up this morning (Sat) at 8:15 and went to a free 10 am class on beginning guitar (I'd bought the guitar when I was still married). The class went well; I went home and did dishes and mopped the kitchen and  ate. Then I napped for 6 hours.
I fear that I won't be able to keep up the schedule for back to work. This is why I'm labelled disabled. It's also part of the PTSD response. I'm avoiding. I'm hiding. I'm also reliving the feelings of being at someone else's mercy and being hurt. I had bad dreams about finding my ex back in the house. I dreamed he'd bought some furniture and had it sent here instead of to his place. He also had friends to help him who disliked me and were vocal about it. He wanted some of the furniture back. He was moving into a house bigger and more expensive than mine. He took apart my stairs and cut a hole in the upstairs floor. All the light bulbs were dead.
I'm no stranger to bad dreams, or dreams in general, and they usually tell me something about myself that I'm not willing to face in real life. This dream told me several things. I need to know he is in a one bedroom apartment by himself so I feel stronger and better than him. I want to avoid meeting those people we both knew and who now judge me badly and dislike me. I'm letting him live in my mind WAY too much. He darkens and damages my life (usually "my" house or car, whatever it looks like, is an icon that represents my life).
So what do I do about it?
What comes to mind first is to go back to church tomorrow and face all those people who spurned me (my, what old fashioned wording; wonder why). Second, maybe I shouldn't keep this house after all. It suits me and my son, daughter in law and future grandchild though. Maybe we'll change it enough. I'll keep it for now, fix it up and see how it fits. 
I  think one of the big things is going back to work because my husband didn't live up to his promise of taking care of me after I spent my best working years staying at home and being a wife and a mother. Can I sue him for this? Is there some kind of "understood" contract that I can hold him to? Not in Texas, at least. Can I actually say he isn't taking care of me? Would the money last if I didn't have my son and pregnant daughter in law with me? Where could I stand to send them? Is this just me being codependent or am I doing what anyone would expect of a mother?
Mostly, I think I'm just hiding, avoiding. Being hypervigilant about the apparent disparities between myself and someone who  hurt me incredibly. Maybe it's the physical ailments and I'm really just tired. Maybe the pain is overwhelming, emotionally and physically.
Doesn't matter really. I have to go back to work. Money runs the world.

Yesterday I decided I needed to find a job. Things at home are tight after the divorce and my son and his pregnant girlfriend live with me.  She is due to deliver soon which means she will stop working for a while. I want her to be at home as long as she needs/wants. Therefore I decided that today I would go job hunting. I would go back to what I consider fighting the world. My previous job experiences have been less than emotionally uplifting.

I set my alarm for 7:45, figuring it would take me a while to get out of bed early. I have been saying I am a night owl. I can't sleep before 2AM and usually rise around noon to 2PM.

I woke up to, um, visit the facilities a little before 7:30. Did I stay up, take a bath, dress, eat? No. I turned off the alarm and crawled back under the covers. Part of me was sure I'd get back up in an hour or two. The other part was scared to death.

I stayed in bed until 3PM. I realized I am not anxious about job hunting after being out of the paid workforce for 25+ years: I am phobic, terrified of facing strangers who will judge me and hold my survival in their hands. This is all 4 PTSD symptoms in one: re-experiencing, avoidance, hyperarousal and "other symptoms" (sleeping all day to avoid EVERYTHING).

I am having a panic attack just writing this. I can and have gone to new situations where I carried on very good and enjoyable conversations with strangers. But the places I went were safe; the strangers were not judging me; the groups had actually advertised for new members.

I google PTSD again; probably have done so nearly a hundred times by now. I have been in therapy, even in in hospital car (over 4, less than 10 times) for 25+ years. Yet I didn't recognize my sleep cycles or job hunting fears for what they are until I couldn't avoid it anymore. GD! When will this sh** end! God promised me, as a child, that he would heal me when I turned 18 and left home. It's been 39 years; I think he's a little late! I know he exists; I've spoken to him, he's spoken back; I've seen and talked to him; I stood at the gates of heaven and was given a choice to go in or come back (I came back; my kids still needed me). So where the h*** is he?

I googled how to cope with a panic attack and here's the scoop by a professional (bold, underline and italics are what I added):

Here's How It Works

Adrenaline causes the heart to pump extra blood. This extra blood gets pumped into your major muscles to increase your ability to run fast and to increase the strength in your arms. Extra blood also goes into your brain to give you heightened abilities to respond to the emergency.

It takes three minutes from the time that your brain sends the emergency signal until your body is fully adrenalated with extra blood in your large arm and leg muscles and in your brain. In that three minute period you experience your heart pumping hard and extra blood flowing throughout your body. As long as your adrenal glands keep getting an emergency message, they continue to produce and release additional adrenaline. Once your brain stops signaling an emergency, your adrenal glands hold the adrenaline instead of releasing it.

It Only Takes Three Minutes To Stop A Panic Attack

It takes three minutes for your adrenal glands to fill your body with the adrenaline response. It also only takes three minutes for your body to stop the adrenaline reaction. If you stop a panic attack as soon as it starts, the reaction only has to last for three minutes.

It's Very Simple

Stopping a panic attack is very simple. All you have to do is stop the emergency message from being sent to your adrenal glands. Learn these four simple steps and your panic attack will only last for three minutes. Once you understand how this works, you never have to have a panic attack again.

Learn These Four Simple Steps

If panic attacks have been a recurring problem, write the four basic steps on a little card, with a list of sample Coping Statements on the back. Mark the card with bright stripes to make it easy to find in your wallet, and keep it with you everywhere you go until you memorize the steps and know them thoroughly. Study these steps and learn them in advance. If you have a panic attack, get out your card immediately and follow it exactly. Once you learn these steps you won't need the card.

Full Resolution

If you experience panic attacks more often than occasionally I strongly suggest that you work with a practitioner to resolve the cause of your anxiety. You owe it to yourself to be free of anxiety. Permanently resolving issues of anxiety is one of my areas of specialty.

The Four Steps:

Relax.

Stop Negative Thinking.

Use Coping Statements.

Accept Your Feelings.

Here's How:

Step 1. Relax.

Relax by taking slow, deep, complete breaths. Calm yourself by remembering that you are only having a panic attack and that nothing more serious is happening to you. Continue to take slow, deep, complete breaths. Slow, deep, complete breaths will relax your body, which is the first step to reversing the release of adrenaline.

Step 2. Stop Negative Thinking.

Stop negative thinking by shouting the word "STOP!!!" really loud inside your head. By shouting the word "STOP" you are interrupting the emergency message that your brain is sending to your adrenal glands. Often people having a panic attack get into an endless loop repeating the same catastrophic thoughts over and over in their head. Interrupting this endless loop gives you the opportunity to replace the scary message with a calming one.

Step 3. Use Coping Statements.

A coping statement is a positive statement that is at least as strong as the catastrophic statement that you have been scaring yourself with. Replace the negative thought with a positive one. Choose a statement that addresses the negative thought.

For example, if you think that you are having a heart attack (a common fear during a panic attack) then you might be saying something in your head like, "Oh my God, I'm having a heart attack" or, "I'm gonna die, oh my God, I'm gonna die!" After you shout the word "STOP!" immediately replace the fear thought with a positive statement that helps you to cope with the situation, such as "I'm only having a panic attack and it will be over in three minutes if I relax" or, "My fear is making my heart pound harder, my heart is fine."

If you feel afraid hearing footsteps behind you on the street you might say, "I've walked down this street hundreds of times" or, "I walk alone on the street every night when I come home from work; what I hear behind me is someone else who is walking home from work."

Other coping statements might be, "I've gotten through this situation many times before and I can get through it again" or, "I am fine, everything is fine."

Brainstorm the kinds of fearful thoughts that bring on panic for you and then make a long list of coping statements that you can look at when you need to rather than trying to think of coping statements in the middle of a panic attack.

Note: If your fear is in response to a real danger I suggest that you consider making new choices that address those fears. If you are concerned about your health consult with your doctor.

Step 4. Accept Your Feelings.

Accepting your feelings is very important. Minimizing this experience usually serves to perpetuate it.

Start by identifying what emotion you are feeling. Most panic attacks are caused by the emotion of fear or some variation of fear. Identify the emotion you are feeling and find the reason that you feel it.

Validate that feeling and the reason for it. If you are having a panic attack before giving a speech, you are afraid because it's scary. Stage fright is a common cause of fear and panic. If you're afraid that you're having a heart attack, it's certainly valid to be afraid of that. If you are afraid of footsteps behind you on the street it's reasonable to be afraid that something bad might happen to you.

In all of these cases take the appropriate precautions. Have a regular check up so that you know that your heart is healthy. Walk in a well-lit area and be aware of your surroundings on the street. Walk like a warrior and not like a victim. These are all important precautions to ensure your safety. Then, when you use a coping statement that reminds you that you had a check up recently and that your heart is fine, you can reassure yourself that it's okay to be afraid, knowing that you are safe.

Fear is a positive emotion that reminds you to take care of yourself. Listen to your feelings, take good care of yourself, and keep your emotions in proportion to the situation by keeping an appropriate perspective.

Many people have stopped having panic attacks after learning these steps. However, there is a deeper solution to permanently resolving panic and anxiety responses, fully giving you emotional freedom and happiness. Your mind has the power to significantly influence your negative responses in all situations. By working with hypnosis and NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a powerful way of changing or enhancing your thinking processes) we can achieve any goal, solve any problem and create the excellence you desire in all areas of your life.

You can become the person that you choose to be.

Pati McDermott, CHT

Certified Hypnotherapist

Certified NLP Master Practitioner

Certified NLP Health Practitioner

Certified TPM Advanced Master Practitioner

web site: nlpPati.com

email: Pati@nlpPati.com

call any time: 877-881-4348

Private sessions in person and by telephone

© 2004 by Pati McDermott

San Francisco Bay Area     Santa Rosa, California

Good luck with these. I've used them before and am trying them now. You are not alone. Lori B

Brain Chemistry Can Improve

Had my therapy appt and learned something new. After trauma a person's brain chemistry is changed. I thought my brain chemistry was changed permanently; apparently not! MRI's done by neuro-scientists showed that when a person had negative thoughts, the brain area used showed up as a dark, shadowy tree/branched area. However, when the same subjects thought positive thoughts, the same area showed up as PINK tree/branched areas. Changes in patterns of thought can change the chemistry of the brain. Hope! Hope! I may not have to live with negativity and the effects of trauma forever! God is good!

New Treatments needed

http://blogs.webmd.com/chronic-conditions/2013/08/behind-the-scenes-of-treatment-development.html

This is a great article on the need for new responses to chronic conditions. I left a comment and hope the writer will check this blog or comment back.

I was talking to my sister yesterday when she asked me, "Have you ever noticed that you can start a conversation with someone new you've met, spend half an hour listening to their life story and then they leave and they never asked you anything, not so much as your name?"
I had to admit this happens to me often. I'm at a transition in my life and looking for new friends. I'm a good listener. I put myself out there: I've joined new groups, gone to new places, started conversations. Yet, as often as the people I talk to complain about being alone, lonliness, wanting new friends, I have yet to have one of them ask me more than to repeat my name when I introduce myself.
Perhaps this is specific to our generation. My 18 year old daughter has no trouble making friends. It could be her environment; she's a senior in high school and nothing makes friends like a common enemy (teachers/school). Perhaps it is because my sister is retired now and I'm a "stay at home" mom; though we both have tried to reach out to new groups. Perhaps it is that established groups are inherently closed, abstaining from new members rather than risking rejection.
Although I believe many of these are true in many situations, I know it's not true in all and that leaves me with questions.
For those groups I've tried to join who've specifically asked for new members (eg. Meetup.com) I still run into the listen-to-me-then-leave-me-alone bunch. Why is that?
Why is it that at a time when lonliness is publicized as a major problem for many people, they turn away from friendship when it is offered? Do they not recognize it? Are they that afraid? Am I so hard to like?
I have no answers here. I am looking for answers as much as I am looking for friends. If you have anything to share, I look forward to hearing from you. Please overcome any fears and know that I will not be judgemental or evasive. This blog is nothing without commentors. I'll be checking back. 
Lori B.

A Different Therapy to Find Greater Happiness

A Different Therapy to Find Greater Happiness Instead of dredging up unhappy memories, focus on present, future

By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN  CONNECT

Say the words "therapy session" and many people will picture an hour spent on a couch dredging up unhappy childhood memories. A different approach suggests that redirecting the focus onto the present and future can make people happier, healthier and lead to better relationships.

The method, called Time Perspective Therapy, involves figuring out which of six different outlooks a person has: past-positive (you love the past); past-negative (you have regrets and bad things happened in your past—or things that you now exaggerate as bad); present hedonism (you enjoy the present and like to reward yourself); present fatalism (you feel that events are beyond your control, so why bother?); goal-oriented future (you plan ahead and weigh the costs and benefits of any decision); transcendental future (you live a good life because you believe the reward is a heaven after death).

The best profile to have, says Philip Zimbardo, psychologist and professor emeritus at Stanford University, is a blend of a high level of past-positive, a moderately high level of future orientation and a moderate level of selected present hedonism. In other words, you like your past, work for the future—but not so hard that you become a workaholic—and choose when to seek pleasure in the present. Dr. Zimbardo, an influential thinker in this field who lectures widely, administers a 56-item questionnaire to determine a patient's profile.

The worst time-perspective profile to have is a high level of past-negative coupled with a high level of present fatalism. "These people are living in a negative past and think nothing they do can change it," says Dr. Zimbardo, co-author of the book "The Time Cure." They also score low on present hedonism and have a low future orientation. People who are clinically depressed or have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder typically have this profile.

Our individual time perspective is influenced by many things, including family and friends, culture, religion, education and life events. As very young children, we were all pretty much purely hedonistic—focused on getting what we wanted when we wanted it. Some, but not all, of us become more future-oriented as we get older.

In a famous study in the 1960s, psychologist Walter Mischel, now a professor at Columbia University, tested the ability of young children to resist temptation for a future goal. He placed one marshmallow in front of each child and explained that they could eat it right away if they wanted, but if they waited about 10 to 15 minutes, they could have a second one to eat. About half the children gobbled up the treat right away; the other half managed to hold out for a second marshmallow.

The time perspective that the children had when they were young had a large impact on the way they behaved later in life. Dr. Mischel followed up with the children when they were teens, and then in middle age. The individuals who resisted the marshmallow at roughly ages 4 and 5 performed better in school, scored an average of about 250 points higher on their SATs and had happier family lives. Those who ate the marshmallow immediately had more emotional problems throughout their lives.

The good news, says Dr. Zimbardo: People can change their time perspective. Between 2004 and 2012, Time Perspective Therapy was administered by Dr. Zimbardo's co-authors Rick and Rosemary Sword, therapists in Maui, to 32 veterans with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, all of whom had been through other therapies without positive results. All 32 saw a significant decrease in anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms.

            A person can raise a past-positive score, Dr. Zimbardo says, by focusing on the good in your past: create photo albums, write letters of gratitude to people who inspired you, start an oral history of your family.

Your future orientation can get a boost by organizing your calendar or planning a family vacation, actions that get you to envision and plan for a positive future. And volunteering or becoming a mentor can help you see that your actions can have a positive impact.

And you can increase your present hedonism—selectively!—by doing something to balance your mood, such as exercise or a nature walk. Also, reward your hard work with an activity you enjoy: dinner with a friend, a massage, an afternoon playing your favorite sport.

To lower your past-negative scores you can work to silence your pessimistic inner critic by meditating or keeping an ongoing list of all the good things in your life right now. "It's thinking about what's good in your life now, rather than what was bad in your life then," says Dr. Zimbardo.

And you can reduce your future fatalistic perspective by learning a new skill or hobby that allows you to see your change, and doing it with a partner—it's less isolating and the other person can give you positive feedback.

Dominic Monahan not surprisingly had a negative perspective after he was laid off from his job as a project manager at a printing press manufacturer in 2009, and moved into his mother's suburban Chicago basement. He sent out hundreds of resumes—and landed no interviews. "I had no hope and was living in the past," says the 42-year-old. "I was ready to give up."

Mr. Monahan admits he was always pretty focused on present gratification. He preferred to ride his mountain bike, run, hunt, "or do anything" instead of studying. He dropped out of college, joined the Navy and held a series of technician jobs after he got out. He says he tried college several more times without graduating.

He tried psychotherapy after he lost his job, but quit because he felt it was just paying someone to listen to him complain. While he didn't try Time Perspective Therapy specifically, his experience shows how the method can help a person recover from a downward spiral.

He eventually gained 60 pounds (eating peanut butter by the spoonful) and began sleeping 18 hours a day. When he outgrew his sweatpants, he says, he decided to turn his life around. He signed up for an online finance degree, and the condensed classes helped him to feel he was making progress. He recently graduated. He also got a temporary consulting job at a company that uses new technology to purify wastewater.

He started to exercise and took up the martial art Tae Kwan Do. His instructor, who is also a psychologist, taught him to talk back to his negative inner voice. Now, when he starts ruminating on mistakes he's made in the past, or tells himself there is no hope, he says out loud: "Stop…This behavior is not going to move us in a positive direction or make us happy."

            Mr. Monahan still lives with his mom. He has lost 35 pounds and says his hunt for a financial analyst position and his goal of achieving more Tae Kwan Do belts keep him focused on the future.

The small steps he took all added up and "helped me get out of the negative past, be in the present and plan for the future," he says. "Over time they started to change my subconscious into believing there is hope."

A Path to Happiness

To determine what steps people should take to boost their happiness, the Zimbardo Time Perspective Inventory questionnaire asks people to rate 56 statements, including the seven below, as very true, true, neutral, false or very false. For the full quiz, visit www.thetimeparadox.com

I believe that a person's day should be planned ahead each morning

It gives me pleasure to think about my past

When listening to my favorite music, I often lose all track of time.

It upsets me to be late for appointments.

I've taken my share of abuse and rejection in the past.

It is important to put excitement in my life

Taking risks keeps my life from becoming boring

Source: Philip Zimbardo, Stanford University

 I am 57 and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I rarely divulge

> details but I will a little more here. Starting from age 14 months

> (yes MONTHS) until I was 16 I was beaten, burned, drugged, raped and

> sold. I had a forced illegal abortion when I was 13. Both my parents

> knew about the abuse; my father participated. I know I am not alone

> and I am writing this for myself and others like me who are 45 or

> over.

> 

> We suffered before help was available; before rape or childhood abuse

> was openly discussed except with the most extreme and obvious events.

> I was raised believing I had worth only for how much work I could do

> and for how I could satisfy a man. I was raised believing I had no

> right to say no to anything, to anyone, at anytime. I was raised

> without a basic belief in the sanctity of human life; even now I have

> a hard time believing in my worth as a disabled, older, overweight

> person who cannot work or attract a man. I have tried suicide three

> time, the earliest at age 3 ( I lit my nightgown on fire) and the last

> in early 2012 after my (recently brain damaged) husband abandoned

> myself and my two teen children.

> My memories started when I was 32 and I have been in therapy for

> depression since. Only recently, since the last nonfatal suicide, have

> I been diagnosed and treated for PTSD.

> 

> I have found that I am one of millions, both women and men,in just

> the US that are under served by the mental health community. We are

> not recent victims, we can't claim the flash of emotion that garners

> the attention of many caregivers. We have had to find ways to survive

> that caregivers see as successful coping mechanisms needing no

> attention or get treated for unhealthy coping mechanisms without the

> medical community realizing the underlying damage. We are outcast for

> our coping mechanisms: jailed for drug use or alcoholism; judged for

> lack of parental skills for unplanned, unwanted or even wanted

> children; we are discriminated against for our weight, judged self

> reckless and threatened with extra financial burdens for insurance or

> transportation (esp airlines) and discriminated against in the

> workplace; we are emotionally disabled and unable to cope with over

> stressed health, lives, and work. We fill 12 step groups without

> sometimes even knowing yet ourselves why we are the way we are.

> 

> I fell our nation and especially the medical community need to look

> past our symptoms, past our coping mechanisms and realize that a huge

> percentage of over 45's that suffer from what we now know are PTSD

> symptoms - especially depression, weight problems, substance abuse,

> relationship problems - that they take as basic causes of our health

> problems and see them as the PTSD and abuse/rape survivor symptoms

> that they are.

> 

> I finally was diagnosed with PTSD after my last nonlethal suicide.

> Even then, in long term (1 week) treatment, I was not able to see the

> PTSD therapists they had on staff because I was not military. One tech

> broke the rules and introduced me to one PTSD therapist who I now see

> weekly. She has introduced me to the concept of Post Traumatic Growth,

> the first words I have heard that make me hopeful for a future not

> controlled by depression, out of control thinking and low self esteem.

> 

> 

> It's a shame I had to wait this long for proper treatment, but I feel

> most treatment is aimed at children, youth and young adults. It's time

> to recognize that this is not a 1980's and on problem but one that has

> existed forever, and certainly for many of our older and elderly

> adults. We deserve a healthy today and tomorrow.

> 

> Lori B.

>