Saturday, November 9, 2013
temporary (hopefully) off-blog
going to work tonight. then wash clothes. should hit the psych ward tomorrow. not that they ever help. probably 3-5 days. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Deadline
I expect to get the settlement by Nov15. by Dec 5 I should have both cars repaired and reinsured; the walls repaired and painted; the flooring done upstairs, downstairs and in the baths; the car titles changed; if I'm not picky on contractors. I should then be dead by Dec. 10. FYI
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
suicide watch again
Jerk ex just cancelled all car ins without warning and hasn't paid settlement yet so I can afford my own. No "Hey, 2 days" nothing. And it's paid up til dec 7. He's such a jerk.
Yesterday some jerk got mad because I slowed down at a school zone; at the next light he got out, smashed my rear left light, ran around my car daring me to get out. Got his license, but police won't charge him and his insurance won't pay I because the cars didn't hit.
I hate feeling like I'm unprotected and can be hurt by anyone anytime and there's nothing I can do. Suicide watch. I want to die.
Yesterday some jerk got mad because I slowed down at a school zone; at the next light he got out, smashed my rear left light, ran around my car daring me to get out. Got his license, but police won't charge him and his insurance won't pay I because the cars didn't hit.
I hate feeling like I'm unprotected and can be hurt by anyone anytime and there's nothing I can do. Suicide watch. I want to die.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
DBT:Radical Acceptance
I looked up Dialectial Behavioral Therapy again to get an idea for what to cover this time. I chose a skill listed under Distress Tolerance (there's too much mf distress on this mf life)(said like Samuel L. Jackson from "Snakes on a Plane"). Why do I need to increase my distress tolerance when what really should happen is that others should reduce their distress production. Peasants.
One skill listed under Distress Tolerance (aren't we supposed to avoid the DT's?) is Self Soothing. OK, get all the X rated ideas out of your head, yes, that works, but what else ya gonna do? I thought of all the multitude of self soothing things I know that work for me and came up with about 6. Maybe not enough yet to write about. Maybe next time. Plus, there are too many that are technically dysfunctional.
So this time I'm writing about Radical Acceptance. This bites about as much as anything in Distress Tolerance. Maybe I'm just attracted to the word "radical". I like radical. Radical to me means, out of the normal, over the top, like as in NOTICE ME NOW. But Radical Acceptance does not mean notice me. It means what I used to call Reality Therapy. What it is is what it is. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You don't like what's happening? Too bad. Unless you change it, it won't change. Accept what is for what it is. See why I hate it?
I had to use Radical Acceptance twice recently; so you can imagine how wonderful I feel. First was with my divorce. Second was with my son and his girlfriend.
My now exhusband got to decide how to invest half my divorce settlement. Just his last stab at messing my life up. Well, maybe he was actually concerned for my future. Maybe. Maybe I can accept that. It doesn't matter, though, because legally he gets to decide and he picked something I really didn't want - an annuity. Jerk. Doesn't matter if I like it or not, it's not my decision. So I have to work with this annunity and figure out how to use it to my best advantage. I can rant about how I hate it, what I wanted to happen, how I got ignored again and no matter how I rant IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. It's not my choice. It's done. I have to live with it. Radical Acceptance. What it is is what it is.
My son now has a job (at least for the xmas season). He and his girlfriend want to move out. This is great; it's about time he grew up. But they are looking at homes like I'm trying to move out of: large homes with yards for the dogs and two car garages for his workout equipment. There is no way they can afford that. So the first thing I did (impulsive!impulsive!) is click on Zillow to see if there was a house I could buy and rent to them. Thankfully, this insanity only lasted 10 minutes before I (metaphorically) slapped myself upside the head. Now I have to accept that it is up to them to find and afford a place. Where they go; if they can afford it; if they keep it; what happens to the dogs; these are things that are not in my perview. It's not up to me. It's a them problem and not a me problem. This is hard to give up. I want to find a perfect solution for them. I can't. Radical Acceptance. Day by day. I have my life; I made my decisions and learned; it's their turn. Radical Acceptance.
Does this explain it? It's had to practice. It's also sometimes called tough love or natural consequences. It's hard on my heart; but it works. Try it. Let me know how it works. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
One skill listed under Distress Tolerance (aren't we supposed to avoid the DT's?) is Self Soothing. OK, get all the X rated ideas out of your head, yes, that works, but what else ya gonna do? I thought of all the multitude of self soothing things I know that work for me and came up with about 6. Maybe not enough yet to write about. Maybe next time. Plus, there are too many that are technically dysfunctional.
So this time I'm writing about Radical Acceptance. This bites about as much as anything in Distress Tolerance. Maybe I'm just attracted to the word "radical". I like radical. Radical to me means, out of the normal, over the top, like as in NOTICE ME NOW. But Radical Acceptance does not mean notice me. It means what I used to call Reality Therapy. What it is is what it is. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You don't like what's happening? Too bad. Unless you change it, it won't change. Accept what is for what it is. See why I hate it?
I had to use Radical Acceptance twice recently; so you can imagine how wonderful I feel. First was with my divorce. Second was with my son and his girlfriend.
My now exhusband got to decide how to invest half my divorce settlement. Just his last stab at messing my life up. Well, maybe he was actually concerned for my future. Maybe. Maybe I can accept that. It doesn't matter, though, because legally he gets to decide and he picked something I really didn't want - an annuity. Jerk. Doesn't matter if I like it or not, it's not my decision. So I have to work with this annunity and figure out how to use it to my best advantage. I can rant about how I hate it, what I wanted to happen, how I got ignored again and no matter how I rant IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER. It's not my choice. It's done. I have to live with it. Radical Acceptance. What it is is what it is.
My son now has a job (at least for the xmas season). He and his girlfriend want to move out. This is great; it's about time he grew up. But they are looking at homes like I'm trying to move out of: large homes with yards for the dogs and two car garages for his workout equipment. There is no way they can afford that. So the first thing I did (impulsive!impulsive!) is click on Zillow to see if there was a house I could buy and rent to them. Thankfully, this insanity only lasted 10 minutes before I (metaphorically) slapped myself upside the head. Now I have to accept that it is up to them to find and afford a place. Where they go; if they can afford it; if they keep it; what happens to the dogs; these are things that are not in my perview. It's not up to me. It's a them problem and not a me problem. This is hard to give up. I want to find a perfect solution for them. I can't. Radical Acceptance. Day by day. I have my life; I made my decisions and learned; it's their turn. Radical Acceptance.
Does this explain it? It's had to practice. It's also sometimes called tough love or natural consequences. It's hard on my heart; but it works. Try it. Let me know how it works. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
Changed from This Creature That I Am (BPD)
I don't know that I'm going in any specific order when writing about my experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. Today's will cover several under one theme that I use.
I have mentioned before Loretta Lynn's "(There Will Be) Peace In The Valley". One of the lines is "...and I'll be changed from this creature that I am." This is the third most profound statement from this song for me. The first is that I WILL find peace in the valley someday (whatever that represents for you); the second is "I'm tired and so weary, but I must carry on til my Lord comes and calls me away." This addresses my daily struggle with suicidal ideation. It's just there for me. Good days, bad days, it's all the same to whatever brain chemistry makes this happen in my head. I could count the days without ideas of death on both hands, without using the thumbs.
But this line "...changed from this creature that I am." gives me hope that these brain chemistry and/or learned behaviors can change. Many of the symptoms that plague me are impulsiveness; anger; emptiness; recurrent suicidal behavior; intense unstable relationships that alternate from idealization to devaluation. These are all what I call my "creature" nature.
I believe that I, and everyone, you, too, have a higher nature. One built in by our connection with the universe and whatever higher power I believe in.
I have feared for years the idea of becoming one with the universe, but now I see that 1. the universe exists, 2. I exist, and 3. together I would exist, but in tune (as a musical reference) with the universe. I don't disappear, I add to the music of the spheres. If we could hear the wavelengths of gravity, of electricity, of movement, of the development of growing things and such, we would actually hear the "music of the spheres."
I have hope that one day I will turn into this higher natured creature and leave behind the lower nature that hounds and haunts my days and nights, my friendships and advasaries, my loves and my hates, my darknesses and my light and I would see them as all being on the same scale, and truth being bigger than them all.
Until then, I will sing. I will hope. I will fight that desire to die. I will accept the pain as proof of life and not proof of hell; and I will write. I will write to me and I will write to you.
Write back. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
I have mentioned before Loretta Lynn's "(There Will Be) Peace In The Valley". One of the lines is "...and I'll be changed from this creature that I am." This is the third most profound statement from this song for me. The first is that I WILL find peace in the valley someday (whatever that represents for you); the second is "I'm tired and so weary, but I must carry on til my Lord comes and calls me away." This addresses my daily struggle with suicidal ideation. It's just there for me. Good days, bad days, it's all the same to whatever brain chemistry makes this happen in my head. I could count the days without ideas of death on both hands, without using the thumbs.
But this line "...changed from this creature that I am." gives me hope that these brain chemistry and/or learned behaviors can change. Many of the symptoms that plague me are impulsiveness; anger; emptiness; recurrent suicidal behavior; intense unstable relationships that alternate from idealization to devaluation. These are all what I call my "creature" nature.
I believe that I, and everyone, you, too, have a higher nature. One built in by our connection with the universe and whatever higher power I believe in.
I have feared for years the idea of becoming one with the universe, but now I see that 1. the universe exists, 2. I exist, and 3. together I would exist, but in tune (as a musical reference) with the universe. I don't disappear, I add to the music of the spheres. If we could hear the wavelengths of gravity, of electricity, of movement, of the development of growing things and such, we would actually hear the "music of the spheres."
I have hope that one day I will turn into this higher natured creature and leave behind the lower nature that hounds and haunts my days and nights, my friendships and advasaries, my loves and my hates, my darknesses and my light and I would see them as all being on the same scale, and truth being bigger than them all.
Until then, I will sing. I will hope. I will fight that desire to die. I will accept the pain as proof of life and not proof of hell; and I will write. I will write to me and I will write to you.
Write back. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.
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