Changed from This Creature That I Am (BPD)

I don't know that I'm going in any specific order when writing about my experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. Today's will cover several under one theme that I use.

I have mentioned before Loretta Lynn's "(There Will Be) Peace In The Valley". One of the lines is "...and I'll be changed from this creature that I am." This is the third most profound statement from this song for me. The first is that I WILL find peace in the valley someday (whatever that represents for you); the second is "I'm tired and so weary, but I must carry on til my Lord comes and calls me away." This addresses my daily struggle with suicidal ideation. It's just there for me. Good days, bad days, it's all the same to whatever brain chemistry makes this happen in my head. I could count the days without ideas of death on both hands, without using the thumbs.

But this line "...changed from this creature that I am." gives me hope that these brain chemistry and/or learned behaviors can change. Many of the symptoms that plague me are impulsiveness; anger; emptiness; recurrent suicidal behavior; intense unstable relationships that alternate from idealization to devaluation. These are all what I call my "creature" nature. 

I believe that I, and everyone, you, too, have a higher nature. One built in by our connection with the universe and whatever higher power I believe in.

I have feared for years the idea of becoming one with the universe, but now I see that 1. the universe exists, 2. I exist, and 3. together I would exist, but in tune (as a musical reference) with the universe. I don't disappear, I add to the music of the spheres. If we could hear the wavelengths of gravity, of electricity, of movement, of the development of growing things and such, we would actually hear the "music of the spheres."

I have hope that one day I will turn into this higher natured creature and leave behind the lower nature that hounds and haunts my days and nights, my friendships and advasaries, my loves and my hates, my darknesses and my light and I would see them as all being on the same scale, and truth being bigger than them all.

Until then, I will sing. I will hope. I will fight that desire to die. I will accept the pain as proof of life and not proof of hell; and I will write. I will write to me and I will write to you. 

Write back. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.