Lost in the Maze

Was reading up about Dialectical Behavioral Training and realized my BPD tweets are not for bi-polar, but Borderline Personality Disorder. So I googled Borderline Personality Disorder.

Folks, I'm trashed. Been trashed since 14 months. This stuff messes up your life and just gets worse. Now I know why I have no friends, I don't really care about anyone, I react quickly and erractically, etc. It's not the PTSD, tho that's there. It's the BPD.

I'm am losing hope. Don't mean to be morbid, but like I read, this stuff doesn't get better. You can learn DBT, but it's like putting my mask back on, putting my wall up and getting back in my bubble. I swore I'd never do that again and I won't. I'd rather live alone as me than have fake friends for a fake person. I taught myself a lot of the DBT stuff as a child and made it up. I spent 12 years on a bus to and from school and no one ever spoke to me. EVER. Twelve years of being ostracized and learning avoidance. I see it now as a form of bullying. "Be like us or be avoided."

I'm now 57. My kids are grown. My 18 yr old will graduate next June. My 21 yr old has a girlfriend and a baby and maybe a job in a week that he'll like and keep. He wants to start his own household. I've been waiting for this moment for 2 yrs. My 18 yr old knows what she wants to do and how to do it. I'm in my empty nest and boy is it ever empty; especially after the divorce finalized yesterday.

So what do I do now that I believe it will just get worse and the research backs it up? First, I'm buying a recumbent trike. Then I'm doing a little fix up on the house and selling it. Then I'm going to travel around the US in my car with my trike.

Then what? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll come back to Texas. Maybe I'll find somewhere I like better (Kentucky? Tennessee? Mountains, woodlands, rivers?) Maybe I'll end it all. Suicide is a common theme for BPD's and about 33% of us end up that way. Maybe I'll make the 66%. I'm strong. But I'm so tired of being strong. It's like the stronger I am, the more life throws at me so I have to keep getting stronger. One day, I'll hit the wall too hard and not bounce back up.

I've hit the wall several times. Usually characterized by sleeping, drinking, eating and then picking myself back up. When will I hit and not bounce? I figure I have 30 natural years left. And I mean natural. I am a creature God made and I hate the creature part. It hurts so much. Look up Loretta Lynn's "(There Will Be) Peace In The Valley." I want it played at my funeral. Not completely biblical, but the meaning is there.

When do I become God's creature? Is that up to me or up to God. So far (usually) I've left it up to God. I feel he gave me my life and if I take it, I'm stealing from him. On the other hand, I feel like he's expecting a lot from this broken little creature he made and if  I reach my end and he doesn't notice, then it's up to me. Or maybe that's his plan.

For now, I need to shop for a trike and an electrician. One step at a time. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.