I was supposed to receive my spousal support today. I have not received it. It is usually sent the 13th, two days ago; but he can send it as late as the 15th. I think he's waiting until midnight just to grind my gears. He's such an a**hole.
It just brings up ALL my PTSD crap: a male in charge of something important in my life messing with me for no reason but the fact that they can and there is nothing I can do to protect myself.
I haven't eaten today. I'm not going to. I had coffee, and that's all. I am PO's at the universe for having this all happen to me. I think that 57 years is enough. I'm through. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
UPDATE: Finally got paid at 9pm. Too late to do anything. Gave in and ate around 8pm. Made it, or didn't make it, for about 10 hours. Talked to my son. He is so helpful. Told me this was a new beginning and not to focus on the past. I feel guilty for hurting so much that I just want it to stop; but that's the way my life is. Started a twitter account called Long Term PTSD. Now I have to figure out what to do with it. Maybe the first step to that non-profit. Very little out there on long term PTSD. There won't be much more if I can't hold on.
But here's to you. Keep holding on. I know it's hard; but it's possible. Love, Lori B.
No comments:
Post a Comment