The Ups and Downs of BPD with Family

Sorry it's been so long since I last wrote. Life is dramatic.

Yesterday my son and his girlfriend had another fight. Blamed me. My son told me that no one cares about me, no one ever will, that all the bad things people say about me must be true, all his problems are due to my bad parenting, I will never see him or his child again after he gets enough money for him and his girlfriend and baby to move out. Basically he not only pushed all my buttons, he ripped them right out along with my heart. 

I went upstairs and slept for hours. It was the best self soothing I was capable of. I have to keep level; I have a court appearance tomorrow. I need to get ready for it.

I applied for a new delivery job and got it. They really like me. I'm supposed to get a call to go in for training Tuesday, but I don't think I can handle it. The stress from my son and his girlfriend is too great. I can't add another. I have to prep the house to sell so I can move and get away from them (they'll have to move, too, but not in with me).

I'm doing what I can to self soothe. I watched 2 movies yesterday. I've crocheted. I've taken a hot bath in my (wonderful!) double tub. I've read twitter and facebook and posted on them. I've petted my dogs. I'm still on edge. I'm shaky. I'm scared in my own house. Today the girlfriend threatened to leave with the baby (cuz I said I was taking the car she uses, but not until they have $2-3,000 to buy another) so my son blamed me and kicked in my bedroom door. 

I would kick them out, but I would have to legally evict them and that will take months while they treat me badly. My son's job depends on access to my garage, but ends on Jan 15. I can rent a house, move out and sell the house cheap and fast and they have to leave and I'm out of it without starting new crap with an eviction.

Of course, my BPD symptoms are clanging inside me. 

The good news, not that there is much: I can always get a new job, I interview like the bomb; I can go to a nearby diner where I know several servers and they actually listen to me; It's not much longer; I have a plan and it will work. Last but not least, I'm living through it. No suicidal plans. Thoughts sometimes, but not plans.

So, for anyone reading, it's survivable. I'll make it. You can, too. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.