Update on Life

Today is Jan 6 of 2014. Part of me thought I'd never make it here; part of me dreads it. A small part looks forward.

Had the court date and it got rescheduled to Jan 8. Nervous, but not as much as before. Still don't know what the outcome will be. I'm trying to reopen the divorce negotiations because the Thrift Savings Plan was not specifically mentioned. Also, I still haven't received health insurance, the house deed or my ex's contact info.

About my ex, who I shouldn't be caring about but I do anyway because my brain is masochistic, his brain tumor has recurred and he will have surgery this month. Unless they pick chemo or radiation. I hear nothing from anyone. He could die and I wouldn't know it till later. Makes me cry. My fear is that he will die and no one will tell me til days later. 

I have to pay the full taxes on the house even tho it was jointly owned until the final decree on Oct 31. There goes $6,500 I wasn't expecting. 

My credit rating is at the mid 500's and a 640 is minimum for buying a new house. I could get a subprime loan if I put at least 30% down, but I don't even know if I want to stay here or not. My daughter/tran-son will probably move out of town after school's out and I may want to go there. Or, I may move north. Or east. Wish I had a clue as to what I'm looking for and what I want. What I have isn't it. But my therapist is here and so are my new meetup.com acquaintances. Does that matter? No clue.

Just paid deposit and first months rent on house for son, GF and grandbaby. They'll be gone soon. Thank god. I'm so tired of putting up with them. They will be paying $1100 but couldn't pay me a cent. A**holes. My son had to throw a fit at the other grandma yesterday because she let her pot smoking son drive the grandbaby back home. She is a CNA, has one client and got him to cosign the son and GF rental agreement. I think it's elder abuse (I refused to sign in a fit of temporary sanity). I really don't want to be in the middle of this.

I'm reading about temps in Canada and feeling cold in my 69 degree house. Turned up the heat. Grateful for a home and heating.

I quit the pizza delivery job and have a new one delivering for a sushi restaurant. They have their own cars, so I'm covered by their insurance (if you drive your own car for business here, your personal ins doesn't cover you; you need commercial ins and I can't  get it). They are nice people, although many managers and drivers are in a fantasy basketball league. I don't comprehend it, so I'm "outside" the in crowd. Don't care; leaving in March or April to travel. May come back, may not.

Headache, neck ache; don't know why. Took allergy med; helped some. Neck still hurts.

Having trouble getting all my meds. With no insurance, all of them cost $1250. Trying to get AARP card; will save 20%. Not much, but better than 0%. Meanwhile, taking half doses on some, skipping others. Not a good idea, but feel I need to right now.

Wondering how I can justify getting others to pay for part of my meds. Not their problem; don't feel worthwhile enough to justify having meds. Fifty years ago I would have gone crazy and died. What makes me worth it when they weren't? Low self esteem. I do really well at work; serving others, boy I was trained for it from birth. I'm in a not-eating-well time. Sometimes I do great taking care of myself; others, not so much.

Well, this was random and rambing, but I hadn't written in a few weeks and wanted to catch up. Went and saw 47 Ronin with my daughter, 2 of her friends and one of my friends. GREAT movie. Had a lovely time. Going to go now and call AARP. Keep holding on. Love, Lori B.